Thursday, June 22, 2006

Who knew...

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
I know better
cause you said forever
and ever
who knew



Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No noI wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you a friend
I'd give anything



Yeah yeahI'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend


What happened?


-Pink
WHO KNEW...


beautified at 8:59 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpXFluYTdnQ

beautified at 8:49 AM

______________________________________________

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

ONE LAST CRY


Yes, this will be my last post here.

I've had a blog almost my entire poly life.

It helped me pen down my thoughts.

It has helped me pass messages.

and it has also caused me alot of trouble most of the time.

I kept a blog... because like most people, i wanted to chronicle my life.

I think keeping a blog was one of my biggest mistakes.

My lecturers are right.

Its created a portal of weakness- of miscommunication, of misinterpretation, a place where i keep making mistakes.

Its given people a way to attack me, and for me to unknowingly hurt people.


Yes, i keep hurting people don't i?

Unknowingly. Unintentionally.


This is usually the part where i ask God to strike me down with lightning.

And this is usually the part where he tells me he has greater things in store for me.

And then i usually get angry, and upset with myself, asking him what good can someone like myself do?

See people, well some people, seem to be under the impression, that i am a bad person.

So recently, i tried to be a bad person- i.e. purposely cause some problems- but not really, i mean i definetely could have done worse... to those of you who knew me in Sec sch, you would know what i mean, not that i do this alot, but just that i've been known to play really elaborate and mean pranks... not that i do that anymore... ok never mind...

I became the common enemy, which served to only end well actually.

Modern Day Judas Iscariot?

Lol... whatever.


I know alot of people hold alot of grudges against me. Three Years worth.

I don't care.

Because i've apologised only like a million times.

Things you do in the course of duty... well... sometimes you just have to be harsh.

So i've apologised, and apologised and apologised and now... well... i just stopped


I mean i yell at you in a minute, the next minute i don't even remember what you did, and then i walk out thinking, hey everything is okay- but to that person it wasn't.... isn't... so they hold grudges..

Oh well, never mind, if i start explaining everything now, this blog entry will never end... and everything dates back as far as SING TO THE DAWN.

I don't know how things get so escalated and dramatised to a point where i'm just like "ok hold on... how did this just happen?"

Ys, there are times i've gotten emotional myself, paranoid maybe...and hysterical, and then i calm donw and think about what an idiot i've been...

Just that i don't tell anyone else.

This blog, i just say things you know? i just mean it for that moment, unfortunately i forget i am putting down on something that lasts forever.

And then sometimes i forget that people are reading it. People who may get the wrong impression. People i am not even referring to, who THINK i am referring to them.

ANd then today i sat down and thought... about things, and how theres is this whole cycle of viciousness... and how easily it can be solved.

ANd my my own faults... and how sometimes we let the unimportant things affect us, in ways that it should not.


I'm not trying to brush aside things- don't get me wrong.


I would like all of you to know something.

I am not as aware of things as i sometimes seem to be.

I'm trying to say- i just don't understand sometimes.

And if you don't tell me. I will never understand.

Yes, i can be dense.

I am not kidding.

You will not believe the extent to which i can be dense.

I blame my parents for emotionally stunting me... But i forgive them.



*This would be the part i get laughter*





People take me so seriously all of the time.

Which is strange...Because the Kay i was, and still am- has always been a joker, in fact the girl i remember best is the class clown with cornrows, sneaking answers to classmates. An old friend reminded me of that today.

I don't know how i allowed life to make me so serious, so detached.


So what ever it is i am viewed as... i know its not really me... Which is why whatever they, or who ever might say... i've not gotten affected.

Not at all...much.


All this while, i just... viewed the world through some mask...


I mean yes, i have hurt people..

I've been hurt BY people.


And if all of us are not big enough to look past it then... i've got nothing to say... I've looked past every unfair thing anyone else has done to me...

Because at times i tell myself i deserve it.

See i'm not THAT strong... i am actually quite self loathing... most of the time actually. Did you know that? No i'm not fishing for symphathy. I rarely ever do. I just state facts... as always... And as always, it has its repercussions... I say things, but i may not mean anything by it... Hell yes i am weird... How does one detach one self from their statements? I can, apparently.

Yes, i am highly cynical, even towards myself. Especially towards myself.

Apparently, i don't need any enemies, with myself around.

I remain strong because, i tell myself i am doing it for the people i care about.

Unfortunately its the people i care about that i ended up hurting...

Tsk.

I'm not really all that mean, or angry all the time you know... Sometimes i don't even know what i'm doing...

Sometimes.

I don't need thank you's or smiles or gifts or big celebrations... I just want to be able to sleep at night. And to smile, and do things for people, and just be with people i like without constantly worrying...Whether i have offended them.. Which i do, in case you didn't know.

To have peace- i have not had peace for the past few months, maybe years- no matter how much i keep fooling myself into believing it. It's hard to have peace when you can't forgive yourself. When you're irked. Not knowing where you've gone wrong. And i've hiding behind this mask of- "hey everything is okay... now watch me move on."

But i can't. I can't sleep. I haven't slept in the longest time. IN peace.

I am not guilty. But i am troubled. Because i don't understand people.

I don't understand them. I can't. I need someone to tell me.

Sometimes that makes me incapable of empathy. Yes, it does. But not on purpose. I just don't understand. Can anyone understand that? I don't know why sometimes either. Its not that i do it on purpose.

And i spend alot of time, trying to do things right, but i keep getting them wrong. Then i get angry, at myself, at other people... Listen... Its just that i don't understand. Thats all.


If you want some one to know something. tell them. Thats all. I do it all the time. Sometimes with disastrous effects. But i do it. And i realise as long as i have a blog, what ever i say is not going to come out right.

I've tried to live up to so many expectations over the years, and let down myself in the end.

I just can't seem to do the right thing...

But if there is one thing that i can do to make things right for myself... It would be to apologise one last time to everyone.

I mean, how much is an apology going to hurt?

People are worth way more than my pride.

And if they don't accept my apology, at least i leave knowing i tried.


So yes, I am sorry...

To all i have hurt, disappointed, and betrayed in what ever sense.

Forgive me.

Forgive me, for not being as caring as i should have been.


Forgive me for being an idiot for most part of the time.


Forgive me for all the stupid things that i have said or done.


Forgive me for all the melodrama.


Forgive me for being the difficult person that i can be.


Please, forgive me.


There i said it.



Whether you take it or not..

I'm saying it.... and i'm saying it from the bottom of my heart. I have never meant anything more. I am laying all my weaknesses for all to see, and i dont care what any one might think.

I am just very tired of explaining. Instead, i am seeking to be understood, as i am. And i've given this immense thought. I decided to just say for once what is really going on inside my head... that i really am this confused.... if you can fathom the level of confusion i am at. It's simple, i don't understand people. And because of that, i keep creating alot of problems for myself and other people.And i am asking all to forgive me.



I could ask God to forgive me... BUt you know what he says? "Its not me you have hurt, tell that to the people around you."

Yes, i need forgiveness from all of you, and i need the forgiveness in order to forgive myself.

I need to be understood, and i need to understand.

I need to be set free... of this person i don't even recognise i've become.

I need to be set free of all this hate thats been built up inside me - THAT I KNOW IS NOT ME.


This is not me...

For the past three years... i evolved into this... i don't know what... I mean i know i'm not completely wrong... But i haven't been completely right either, and i acknowledge that fact.

So now you know. Its not that i try to be perfect, or that i think i am that great. I'm just trying to understand, and i don't know what the hell i am doing. I have learnt though... i'm learning... slowly...

But i'm not about to give up on certain people,simply because, i don't understand. I am trying. And i think that must be worth something.


So...


this may not help things...

This may not even begin to cover what ever damage that has been done to who ever.


But i'm sorry as genuinely as i could ever be.

I don't expect to change things with one post, one last post.

But its a step... to understand and to be understood...at last... so just take this post for what it is. Don't analyse, don't search for hidden agendas, or motives, cos there aren't any, besides asking for forgiveness.

They say the truth sets you free.. Here is the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Kay is someone, who does not understand, who can be as dense as a potato, who may be socially stupid. Thats it.

Yes, I am that simple.


beautified at 11:17 AM

______________________________________________

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The trouble with Blogs are...


That everyone thinks you're talking about them.

NONSENSE.

I've better thing to do with my life than to dwell on the unnecessary.

It has been long forgotten.

There are wars and natural disasters to keep track of.
_________________________________________________________



SMALLVILLE is Coming back!!!!!!


HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL is gonna show!!!!


I WANNA WATCH SUPERMAN & X-MEN!!!!!


Speaking of which... that's so raven is on in a while...
love her.

_____________________________________________-

Asleep the world is perfect.

There are days when i fall asleep not wanting to awake any more.
_________________________________________________


beautified at 8:47 AM

I've just reflected your actions all along.

Thats all.

Now tell me if thats wrong.


beautified at 12:37 AM

______________________________________________

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Poor Britney...




Yea i know how you feel...I wish they didn't make you feel so bad..

Just because you're good at what you do, and seem so able, everyone thinks they're entitled to take pot shots at you... well screw'em..

When you've got no one on your side, and every one believes what some shit hole has got to say...

I don't even know you... but take care...

Keep performing...


beautified at 6:51 AM

______________________________________________

Friday, June 16, 2006

Production


Has ended...

What can i say?

I'm proud of them.

I'm tired.

It went well...



I bonded with a group of people i'm very glad i met, the freshies, Priya, Mato, Ashwin, Hafeez a.k.a Elias.

I'm happy so many people came to watch on the second night...

Am i sad?, yea a little, i wanted to say goodbye to more people, but i didn't get the chance... oh well, some other day i guess...

Instead what i did get the chance to do was to clean up the entire backstage, with the gang, since everybody left... lol.. and then we had dinner, and drank under the void deck across school...

I miss Fadzley...

Dude didn't pick up my call...

Hope you're having fun...

So what happens after this?

Yea that seems to be the question that's hanging in the balance...

We'll see what happens...


Nobody knows the sacrifices you got to make...
Nobody sees the pain you go through...
All they know is what they hear...
All they know is what THEY judge...
And in the end they'll tell you- You're all about you.

If that were true, i would have never stayed.


Goodnight.


beautified at 11:33 AM

______________________________________________

Thursday, June 15, 2006

APPETITE


There are days, usually around that time of the month where i'm struck by a feeding frenzy... Especially a craving for loads of chocolate.

Then there are days where simplicity hits the spot like nothing else, and I settle for the humblest of meals.

These days, i have almost completely lost my appetite.

Could be that i'm cooking for so many people, that induces this, or the fact that its production week..

It sucks not to be hungry... at the same go... Its good cos i'm losing weight!

lol...

No anorexia it is not.

Simply a loss of appetite, which i make up for by forcing myself to eat....

wheee...


beautified at 9:33 AM

______________________________________________

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Stage...

Alright... Opening night is tonight, or atleast in a couple of hours time...

All seems to be on track, the freshies are amazingly prompt and on-the-ball- love them..

Look at me, i've gone from disliking them to loving them...

Well, sincerity can have that effect on people.

Tickets are picking up... and well, alot of effort has been put in by alot of people, and hopefully it pays off...

The result of all these months of work that they've put in will be seen tonight..


To all, Good job..

This has been a test of your patience, your flexibility, and the extent of your courage.

This is the seniors last production with you...

and though i've been doing nothing much besides providing food, and helping out wherever i can, i've been observing...

And i've observed alot... Good and bad things... sitting in the wings, you get to see everything, about people, what is whispered, and what they think is not heard or seen, the attitude of people, when there is role reversal, you REALLY see, and you begin to realise alot of things...


I've said it before and i'll say it again, every production you do, you're meant to do it, because it teaches you some things...

I've learnt.

Good job to the directors, you guys are trying very hard, well done, i hope you have what you wanted in terms of acting and etc... and i hope we all meet your expectations..

Good job to the cast, you guys have done everything without much complaint, and you're just amazing.

GREAT job, to the first time SM's, you guys are just incredible, and you've impressed me.

Last production... of course i would want it to go well, i wish i could have done more to help, despite what ever is thought of my "intentions".


This is DT we're talking about, this is where my heart is... and i would do anything for it, and my members... anything i've done so far, it would be because i love the members, and my loyalty to the CCA.

Cat has also been an immense support to me, it amazing, it's like she can read my moods and she even tries to cheer me up...

Nice of her...

Thanks to Priya, for being by my side thru this, and Mato, and Ashwin and Hafeez for making me laugh everyday. I would have collapsed mentally from all the hate and the irritaion showed my way by CERTAIN people if not for the constant presence of you guys. Thanks for keeping me from thinking too much and actually being on my side... It feels nice to have someone being on your side. Thanks for taking me away from people I don't want to be around.

Thanks also to Fadzley, even though he isn't here. You did what you could...

I miss you.

Come back soon.

Your DT needs you.


Thank you Mastura, for being a ROLE MODEL. You are truly exemplary.

Yazid, your acting... blows me away. EVERY SINGLE TIME.


Thank you... i'm glad i could do this production with all of you, very thankful indeed...


beautified at 9:53 AM

______________________________________________