Distant.

2006-06-22T08:59:00.000-07:00

Who knew...

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
I know better
cause you said forever
and ever
who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No noI wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you a friend
I'd give anything

Yeah yeahI'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend

What happened?

-Pink

WHO KNEW...

2006-06-22T08:49:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpXFluYTdnQ

2006-06-21T11:17:00.000-07:00

ONE LAST CRY

Yes, this will be my last post here.

I've had a blog almost my entire poly life.

It helped me pen down my thoughts.

It has helped me pass messages.

and it has also caused me alot of trouble most of the time.

I kept a blog... because like most people, i wanted to chronicle my life.

I think keeping a blog was one of my biggest mistakes.

My lecturers are right.

Its created a portal of weakness- of miscommunication, of misinterpretation, a place where i keep making mistakes.

Its given people a way to attack me, and for me to unknowingly hurt people.

Yes, i keep hurting people don't i?

Unknowingly. Unintentionally.

This is usually the part where i ask God to strike me down with lightning.

And this is usually the part where he tells me he has greater things in store for me.

And then i usually get angry, and upset with myself, asking him what good can someone like myself do?

See people, well some people, seem to be under the impression, that i am a bad person.

So recently, i tried to be a bad person- i.e. purposely cause some problems- but not really, i mean i definetely could have done worse... to those of you who knew me in Sec sch, you would know what i mean, not that i do this alot, but just that i've been known to play really elaborate and mean pranks... not that i do that anymore... ok never mind...

I became the common enemy, which served to only end well actually.

Modern Day Judas Iscariot?

Lol... whatever.

I know alot of people hold alot of grudges against me. Three Years worth.

I don't care.

Because i've apologised only like a million times.

Things you do in the course of duty... well... sometimes you just have to be harsh.

So i've apologised, and apologised and apologised and now... well... i just stopped

I mean i yell at you in a minute, the next minute i don't even remember what you did, and then i walk out thinking, hey everything is okay- but to that person it wasn't.... isn't... so they hold grudges..

Oh well, never mind, if i start explaining everything now, this blog entry will never end... and everything dates back as far as SING TO THE DAWN.

I don't know how things get so escalated and dramatised to a point where i'm just like "ok hold on... how did this just happen?"

Ys, there are times i've gotten emotional myself, paranoid maybe...and hysterical, and then i calm donw and think about what an idiot i've been...

Just that i don't tell anyone else.

This blog, i just say things you know? i just mean it for that moment, unfortunately i forget i am putting down on something that lasts forever.

And then sometimes i forget that people are reading it. People who may get the wrong impression. People i am not even referring to, who THINK i am referring to them.

ANd then today i sat down and thought... about things, and how theres is this whole cycle of viciousness... and how easily it can be solved.

ANd my my own faults... and how sometimes we let the unimportant things affect us, in ways that it should not.

I'm not trying to brush aside things- don't get me wrong.

I would like all of you to know something.

I am not as aware of things as i sometimes seem to be.

I'm trying to say- i just don't understand sometimes.

And if you don't tell me. I will never understand.

Yes, i can be dense.

I am not kidding.

You will not believe the extent to which i can be dense.

I blame my parents for emotionally stunting me... But i forgive them.

*This would be the part i get laughter*

People take me so seriously all of the time.

Which is strange...Because the Kay i was, and still am- has always been a joker, in fact the girl i remember best is the class clown with cornrows, sneaking answers to classmates. An old friend reminded me of that today.

I don't know how i allowed life to make me so serious, so detached.

So what ever it is i am viewed as... i know its not really me... Which is why whatever they, or who ever might say... i've not gotten affected.

Not at all...much.

All this while, i just... viewed the world through some mask...

I mean yes, i have hurt people..

I've been hurt BY people.

And if all of us are not big enough to look past it then... i've got nothing to say... I've looked past every unfair thing anyone else has done to me...

Because at times i tell myself i deserve it.

See i'm not THAT strong... i am actually quite self loathing... most of the time actually. Did you know that? No i'm not fishing for symphathy. I rarely ever do. I just state facts... as always... And as always, it has its repercussions... I say things, but i may not mean anything by it... Hell yes i am weird... How does one detach one self from their statements? I can, apparently.

Yes, i am highly cynical, even towards myself. Especially towards myself.

Apparently, i don't need any enemies, with myself around.

I remain strong because, i tell myself i am doing it for the people i care about.

Unfortunately its the people i care about that i ended up hurting...

Tsk.

I'm not really all that mean, or angry all the time you know... Sometimes i don't even know what i'm doing...

Sometimes.

I don't need thank you's or smiles or gifts or big celebrations... I just want to be able to sleep at night. And to smile, and do things for people, and just be with people i like without constantly worrying...Whether i have offended them.. Which i do, in case you didn't know.

To have peace- i have not had peace for the past few months, maybe years- no matter how much i keep fooling myself into believing it. It's hard to have peace when you can't forgive yourself. When you're irked. Not knowing where you've gone wrong. And i've hiding behind this mask of- "hey everything is okay... now watch me move on."

But i can't. I can't sleep. I haven't slept in the longest time. IN peace.

I am not guilty. But i am troubled. Because i don't understand people.

I don't understand them. I can't. I need someone to tell me.

Sometimes that makes me incapable of empathy. Yes, it does. But not on purpose. I just don't understand. Can anyone understand that? I don't know why sometimes either. Its not that i do it on purpose.

And i spend alot of time, trying to do things right, but i keep getting them wrong. Then i get angry, at myself, at other people... Listen... Its just that i don't understand. Thats all.

If you want some one to know something. tell them. Thats all. I do it all the time. Sometimes with disastrous effects. But i do it. And i realise as long as i have a blog, what ever i say is not going to come out right.

I've tried to live up to so many expectations over the years, and let down myself in the end.

I just can't seem to do the right thing...

But if there is one thing that i can do to make things right for myself... It would be to apologise one last time to everyone.

I mean, how much is an apology going to hurt?

People are worth way more than my pride.

And if they don't accept my apology, at least i leave knowing i tried.

So yes, I am sorry...

To all i have hurt, disappointed, and betrayed in what ever sense.

Forgive me.

Forgive me, for not being as caring as i should have been.

Forgive me for being an idiot for most part of the time.

Forgive me for all the stupid things that i have said or done.

Forgive me for all the melodrama.

Forgive me for being the difficult person that i can be.

Please, forgive me.

There i said it.

Whether you take it or not..

I'm saying it.... and i'm saying it from the bottom of my heart. I have never meant anything more. I am laying all my weaknesses for all to see, and i dont care what any one might think.

I am just very tired of explaining. Instead, i am seeking to be understood, as i am. And i've given this immense thought. I decided to just say for once what is really going on inside my head... that i really am this confused.... if you can fathom the level of confusion i am at. It's simple, i don't understand people. And because of that, i keep creating alot of problems for myself and other people.And i am asking all to forgive me.

I could ask God to forgive me... BUt you know what he says? "Its not me you have hurt, tell that to the people around you."

Yes, i need forgiveness from all of you, and i need the forgiveness in order to forgive myself.

I need to be understood, and i need to understand.

I need to be set free... of this person i don't even recognise i've become.

I need to be set free of all this hate thats been built up inside me - THAT I KNOW IS NOT ME.

This is not me...

For the past three years... i evolved into this... i don't know what... I mean i know i'm not completely wrong... But i haven't been completely right either, and i acknowledge that fact.

So now you know. Its not that i try to be perfect, or that i think i am that great. I'm just trying to understand, and i don't know what the hell i am doing. I have learnt though... i'm learning... slowly...

But i'm not about to give up on certain people,simply because, i don't understand. I am trying. And i think that must be worth something.

So...

this may not help things...

This may not even begin to cover what ever damage that has been done to who ever.

But i'm sorry as genuinely as i could ever be.

I don't expect to change things with one post, one last post.

But its a step... to understand and to be understood...at last... so just take this post for what it is. Don't analyse, don't search for hidden agendas, or motives, cos there aren't any, besides asking for forgiveness.

They say the truth sets you free.. Here is the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Kay is someone, who does not understand, who can be as dense as a potato, who may be socially stupid. Thats it.

Yes, I am that simple.

2006-06-20T08:47:00.000-07:00

The trouble with Blogs are...

That everyone thinks you're talking about them.

NONSENSE.

I've better thing to do with my life than to dwell on the unnecessary.

It has been long forgotten.

There are wars and natural disasters to keep track of.
_________________________________________________________

SMALLVILLE is Coming back!!!!!!

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL is gonna show!!!!

I WANNA WATCH SUPERMAN & X-MEN!!!!!

Speaking of which... that's so raven is on in a while...
love her.

_____________________________________________-

Asleep the world is perfect.

There are days when i fall asleep not wanting to awake any more.
_________________________________________________

2006-06-20T00:37:00.000-07:00

I've just reflected your actions all along.

Thats all.

Now tell me if thats wrong.

2006-06-18T06:51:00.000-07:00

Poor Britney...

Yea i know how you feel...I wish they didn't make you feel so bad..

Just because you're good at what you do, and seem so able, everyone thinks they're entitled to take pot shots at you... well screw'em..

When you've got no one on your side, and every one believes what some shit hole has got to say...

I don't even know you... but take care...

Keep performing...

2006-06-16T11:33:00.000-07:00

Production

Has ended...

What can i say?

I'm proud of them.

I'm tired.

It went well...

I bonded with a group of people i'm very glad i met, the freshies, Priya, Mato, Ashwin, Hafeez a.k.a Elias.

I'm happy so many people came to watch on the second night...

Am i sad?, yea a little, i wanted to say goodbye to more people, but i didn't get the chance... oh well, some other day i guess...

Instead what i did get the chance to do was to clean up the entire backstage, with the gang, since everybody left... lol.. and then we had dinner, and drank under the void deck across school...

I miss Fadzley...

Dude didn't pick up my call...

Hope you're having fun...

So what happens after this?

Yea that seems to be the question that's hanging in the balance...

We'll see what happens...

Nobody knows the sacrifices you got to make...
Nobody sees the pain you go through...
All they know is what they hear...
All they know is what THEY judge...
And in the end they'll tell you- You're all about you.

If that were true, i would have never stayed.

Goodnight.

2006-06-15T09:33:00.000-07:00

APPETITE

There are days, usually around that time of the month where i'm struck by a feeding frenzy... Especially a craving for loads of chocolate.

Then there are days where simplicity hits the spot like nothing else, and I settle for the humblest of meals.

These days, i have almost completely lost my appetite.

Could be that i'm cooking for so many people, that induces this, or the fact that its production week..

It sucks not to be hungry... at the same go... Its good cos i'm losing weight!

lol...

No anorexia it is not.

Simply a loss of appetite, which i make up for by forcing myself to eat....

wheee...

2006-06-14T09:53:00.000-07:00

Stage...

Alright... Opening night is tonight, or atleast in a couple of hours time...

All seems to be on track, the freshies are amazingly prompt and on-the-ball- love them..

Look at me, i've gone from disliking them to loving them...

Well, sincerity can have that effect on people.

Tickets are picking up... and well, alot of effort has been put in by alot of people, and hopefully it pays off...

The result of all these months of work that they've put in will be seen tonight..

To all, Good job..

This has been a test of your patience, your flexibility, and the extent of your courage.

This is the seniors last production with you...

and though i've been doing nothing much besides providing food, and helping out wherever i can, i've been observing...

And i've observed alot... Good and bad things... sitting in the wings, you get to see everything, about people, what is whispered, and what they think is not heard or seen, the attitude of people, when there is role reversal, you REALLY see, and you begin to realise alot of things...

I've said it before and i'll say it again, every production you do, you're meant to do it, because it teaches you some things...

I've learnt.

Good job to the directors, you guys are trying very hard, well done, i hope you have what you wanted in terms of acting and etc... and i hope we all meet your expectations..

Good job to the cast, you guys have done everything without much complaint, and you're just amazing.

GREAT job, to the first time SM's, you guys are just incredible, and you've impressed me.

Last production... of course i would want it to go well, i wish i could have done more to help, despite what ever is thought of my "intentions".

This is DT we're talking about, this is where my heart is... and i would do anything for it, and my members... anything i've done so far, it would be because i love the members, and my loyalty to the CCA.

Cat has also been an immense support to me, it amazing, it's like she can read my moods and she even tries to cheer me up...

Nice of her...

Thanks to Priya, for being by my side thru this, and Mato, and Ashwin and Hafeez for making me laugh everyday. I would have collapsed mentally from all the hate and the irritaion showed my way by CERTAIN people if not for the constant presence of you guys. Thanks for keeping me from thinking too much and actually being on my side... It feels nice to have someone being on your side. Thanks for taking me away from people I don't want to be around.

Thanks also to Fadzley, even though he isn't here. You did what you could...

I miss you.

Come back soon.

Your DT needs you.

Thank you Mastura, for being a ROLE MODEL. You are truly exemplary.

Yazid, your acting... blows me away. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Thank you... i'm glad i could do this production with all of you, very thankful indeed...

2006-06-11T06:36:00.000-07:00

MILES TO GO.....

Ok, i just went back and forth from the NTUC and Shop & Save twice.

Once to get the pantry items and again to get the fresh food items for the tea/s and meals...

No joke i tell you. Feeding 20 people. I feel like Jesus feeding the multitude, only i can't multiply food with a single wave of my hand, but i can buy it, and that too with a single sweep of my atm card, at least.

So i carried 200 kg worth of food, over like a very long distance back home... well technically the first time i wheeled the first batch back, in a trolley that got me weird stares from passers-by, and then i wheeled it back, and the second time i gave up and took a taxi.

It was simply too heavy.

Many things to remain worried about :

1.) ticket sales

2.) tmw's lunch- dunno if the canteen is open, come to think of it, tmw's dinner too... i better order early...

3.) the fly bars

4.) my food poisoned year one- who is part of the cast

5.) my sudden lack of runners

6.) collection of food money

7.) collation of props

8.) costumes- i need to get uniforms....

9.) setting up the pantry tmw morning

10) if the guys collected my walkie talkies

11) i need make-up artists--- hanna!!, sharifah!! heeeeeellllllllpppppp

12.) i need to get the cue sheets and script done

13.) i need to collect projectors from Cat, and build finish the screen...

14.) i need to put up the shadow screen and search for floodlights, which i asked Cat to book, hopefully she has,

15.) the props and costumes need to be labelled

16.) i hv a cast member who can't show up because his parents have gotten him involved in accompanying his bro to the hospital, and cos they don't know he's in drama...

17.) i need to clear up and organise back stage...

18.) i need to make sure Ashwin doesn't freak out being made SM....

19.) i need to make sure FOH is set up...

20.) I need to make sure PC is properly briefed..

And for now i'll just hope everyone shows up on time...

argh... productions.... i love the stress......

2006-06-09T08:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Kay,Here is your horoscope
for Friday, June 9:

Let go of some old beliefs, and you'll find yourself able to do something you haven't done
-- but have longed to do -- for years. Once you give yourself room to be imperfect and make mistakes, you soar.

I let go of old beliefs...

I've let myself make loads of mistakes.

Not soaring yet.

God is a DJ.

And i'm his favourite song.

Cos he seems to keep playing me,

yea he keeps looping me around.

It is indeed amazing the ability of people to talk behind's one's back.

At least, let me turn the corner and walk away before you start your discussion of my flaws and what not.

At least, say it when i am not within ear's reach listening to your rubbish.

At the very least, that way, my back wouldn't hurt your knife too much.

2006-06-08T09:24:00.000-07:00

Life lets you down.

have you ever felt pain that makes you feel as if you could die from it?

Not physical pain, emotional pain.

This must be one of the few times in my life that i've felt it.

The kind where you look up to the heavens, with tears streaming down your face and you wonder why on earth God even lets you exist if you're such a horrible person.

Why when you need to be understood the most, people abandon you so easily.

Why you're treated so unfairly for mistakes you need to be forgiven for.

And why you're just treated unfairly per se.

It never even occurred to me until today.

But it crushes you doesn't it, as a person?

It just leaves you.

hope.

joy.

peace.

laughter.

It amazing how another person, or a group of people can make you feel so small.

Especially a person whom you love and respect.

Especially, a person whom you thought you can count on to be on your side when no one else is.

Maybe my father is right.

Trust no one.

They'll all abandon you in the end anyway.

_____________________________________________________

I love my father.

_____________________________________________________

Death.

Its a scary thought.

To some.

Me?

I don't quite care.

Probably because, my religion embraces it, my father has taught me not to fear it.

Only one thing troubles me.

If i were to die tmw.

Would anyone care?

Would they cry?

Would they mourn?

Would they miss my presence?

Or would they shrug and say- "oh well too bad."

Death is not such a distant possibility come to think of it.

People die everyday. of varying reasons.

People of all ages.

People of my age.

I could die.

Today, Tmw. Next week.

On the road, in the shower.

In my bed.

Get knocked down by a car.

Suffocate.

Or simply just stop.

I could be struck by lightning.

Or struck by disease.

I would n't mind dying actually.

It would be welcome release.

After all, it is the final destination is it not?

But at the end of it all?

Who'll be there, thats what i fret about.

And sometimes i wonder why it matters so much.

____________________________________________--

If you knew.

Would you cry?

If you knew.

Would you visit my grave, or at least attend my funeral?

If you knew.

Will i finally have what i always wanted?

Just someone to care and no matter what be there.

It's not i who built the walls.

But the world who walled me in.

Maybe i'm suicidal.

Maybe i'm not.

Maybe i'm crazy.

Maybe i'm not.

Chasing what you have not, and losing what you got.
Is a fool's chase, thru a treasureless maze.
In the end even what you had, turns bad.
Sad.

Oh dear are we all not fool's then.

Pity.

2006-06-05T03:36:00.000-07:00

O

DROP-OUT nation...

Now heres a question.

Can we really claim that each and everyone of our schools are as good as the best ones?

I was browsing through blogs and came across a blog belonging to a friend of Melvyn's, Kit, i think i've met her once or twice briefly. Well, all in all i thought she had a very good point to make about the media's segregation of schools based on "prestige".

I think this reflects on the demarcation of class and prestige within our society, in a very subtle way. Follow my train of thought, you'll see where i'm going with this.

In Singapore, it seems as if the government tries to make sure that most of the schools have pretty much the same facillities give or take. Facillities mostly meaning Computers. And over the years they seem to be acknowledging the fact that not everyone HAS to be educated the same way, some are better at sports, some are better at performance, some at IT, and they've tried to provide more or less, what with the sports school, NAFA, LaSelle, etc.

Without bringing up the issue of career opportunities afterwards of course, because if you ask me, even with these schools, our sportsmen and performers are not of world standard, this should be more than apparent seeing as to how most of the competitors we send for the Olympics and other international games are people from other countries who are GIVEN citizenship. HOW is it that NONE of the people who are trained in these schools, seeingly never make it to these platforms of competition?

Our performers, are only ever recognised here if they're recognised overseas first, is it any suprise why such a limited pool of people dare venture into full-time performing? It's become such a small sector of people, who keep performing over and over again, in almost every show, there is no chance of Singapore becoming the next West End or Broadway even with the 6 million (or is it billion) dollar Durians, because there is no proper support of new talent, no actual school that trains musical talents who act, sing and dance- PROPERLY. Or atleast to the standards overseas. And the pay? Performers have to take on so many jobs, including running their own training programs and doing school shows to keep afloat.

So although there is diversity in the education here, none are given the support that mainstream education has, mainstream being the old standard route of pri, sec. jc then Uni route, the bulk of average Poly students, sans the ones who are the DEAN's LIST type, mind you, are rarely given the opportunities JC students are, simply because we're trained for entering the industry immediately after earning our Diploma.

So there's the issue of Prestige concerning which arm of education you belong to, Poly, ITE , JC, and then of course theres the whole issue within that arm of education which school you belong to , and the prestige involved with that.It's almost sub-conscious, I don't think even the newspaper that published the articles about the schools realised the double standards it has employed.

Are you beginning to see the multi level hierarchy that is Singapore? The country that is Harmonious, multi-racial, and caring?

Where the mind set is- only the best make it to the top, and if we don't have enough of the best, we shall import the foreign talent in?

Without making this into a racial debate, somebody clarify for me, why one of the best JC's in Singapore is solely for entry by Chinese students only? Yes it is only ONE JC, but strangely i've never heard of an elite school meant only for Malay Students, or Indian Students.

Or why we have labels like Cosmopolitans and Heartlanders?

Yes, There is no such thing as an society where progress is based on meritocracy, and where all are deemed equal. If that was so, Then i suppose there would be no reason why a certain ministers son would need to obtain an overseas scholarship which is being handed out by his own father.You would think, that with the hefty pay that our ministers receive they would be able to provide for their children's education, overseas nonetheless, strange considering how the very same ministers proclaim our universities to be one of the best, yet would never send their children to NUS or NTU.

Equality?

Would the elitists within our sociery be alright with their children being sent to a neighbourhood school?
Would they mind being treated or admitted to a C ward in a public hospital?

And this segregation is apparent in even the simplest of things sadly, like the censoring of school names when it comes to scandals.

Sincerely, most people would just tell me to accept it, that such things comes with who you are born as, where you school, who you know.

But just to let you know, that these things can only go on as long as we allow it to.

Or you could be like that girl Gayle and speak up...

Now how did i manage to equate a simple censoring issue into something regarding inequality and biasedness?

hmmm....

Could be because to unravel a seemingly perfectly knitted sweater all it takes is to tug on one tiny string.

hurhurhur.

2006-06-05T03:06:00.000-07:00

Whoopsy Daisy!

No, thats not a very good title i know.

I've been thinkinng alot lately. As i seem to have been for the past year.

About my future.

What kind of future i would like to have- career wise, family wise, etc.

Right now i would want to do something that does not involve stress, seeing as to how i have been stressed to breaking point in the past few years, never leaving school slightly before midnight almost everyday.

Thats right, i need a long break. A break all by my lonesome self, and i'm taking it immmediately after the production and after certain life-concerning necessities.

Of course it will be nothing grand considering my jobless state.

Most probably, i'm going to whisk away to Langkawi, and book into a spa, and then head down to Bangkok to shop non-stop. Then I'll come back. *looks into wallet*

OR, maybe i'll sit by the beach.

I want to be surrounded by lots of natural stuff, trees and waterfalls..

Speaking of which...
I want to start gardening again. Growing plants is such a joyful thing.

You know, family-wise, my mother wants to marry me off within the next two years.

...

Any takers? heh.

She regrets ever allowing me to get an education.

why?

Cause i'm a woman. And i'm getting to be too wild... Ok so 5 a.m. is NOT a good time to come home, and cut-offs are not always the wisest choice of wear. But in my defence, i was ill, and/or too tired to come home by twelve, sometimes i wonder, especially during rehearsals why i even bother going home since i'll be back within a few hours anyway. And i need to exercise my creativity in remodelling old clothes that i'm about to toss away into something funky! I am misunderstood.

(Note: My new wardrobe aim- To be colourful, in a hippie way- first purchase to glorify that aim- the rainbow dress! you can spot me a mile away in that- no kidding. Oh and the golden shoe laces with the flower print sneakers. Yea, can't miss me.

And NO, it does look good.)

Where was I--- oh yea...

The Indian Mindset will never change regardless of the century, social setting, or country. Therefore, i shall run away before she succeeds in marrying me off to a country bumpkin. NO THANKS!

I will sooner join the circus( where i will no doubt fit in with the rainbow dress and the flowery golden shoe lace sneakers) than to be married to a thing of my mother's choice.

I DO NOT want to be a young Divorcee. THanks.

I'm going to continue my legal education after which i shall grudgingly practice for two years and then, i shall return to performing, and perhaps even teaching. Yippee!

Thank yer, thank yer very much.

ITS A MONDAY EVENING.... life is so boring...

I need an adventure.

To an exotic far-away place.

Too bad the only place exotic far- away place i can afford is slumberland.

2006-06-04T05:37:00.000-07:00

I have issues with...

snob
extreme
disease
excess
father

Take Word Association Test

2006-06-04T05:31:00.000-07:00

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

2006-06-04T05:30:00.000-07:00

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

2006-06-04T05:24:00.000-07:00

Brain Lateralization Test Results

Right Brain (42%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain.
Left Brain (54%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain

Are You Right or Left Brained?
personality tests by similarminds.com

2006-06-04T00:13:00.000-07:00

SIGH.

I am irritated. Cos i've been in intense pain for the past two-three weeks, and have to endure it PAST my production, simply because if i succumb now, i'm not going to be able to BE in the production.

I'm irritated, becos its impairing my speech and ability to swallow.

I'm irritated cos the pain is radiating toward my right arm.

I'm irritated cos my ear is throbbing and ringing.

Cos I have to be conscious of bad breath...

I'm irritated cos my salivary glands are now on over drive, leading to excessive spit in my mouth...

I'm irritated becos this has to happen to ME.

IRRITATED.

The knowledge that everything happens for a reason is my only solace.

I think i'm allowed a lil bad temper and hissy fit throwing, and i'm allowed an "OFF-DAY" without self-righteous prats acting all "holier than thou."

Cos the difference is I try, no matter how much people THINK i don't.

My indifference is simply- me... Uninvolved, seemingly uninterested. TRYING NOT TO FOCUS ON THE PAIN.

Dear God, I keep clenching my jaw because of it...

Argh.

Sleep is my only escape.

But i won't.

Instead i shall engage in Yoga and meditation with a lil Enya for atmosphere. GRRRR.

I will not succumb. I will not succumb.

The pain is nooooooooot there. NOT there.

* floats into meditation*

2006-06-03T02:29:00.000-07:00

THE

Sound of....

Music...

Prayer... Islamic prayer

Chimes

Trees in the wind...

Water trickling and gurgling

Rain

church choirs on Christmas Eve

smells of...

Incense in my halls on Saturday afternoons accompanied by tea

Freshly cut grass

apple tarts baking

Jasmine bushes in the evening

Amazing... these things have the ability to calm me like nothing else.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

2006-05-30T08:49:00.000-07:00

Moving On

I've been defeating myself.

My whole life, because i'm scared of finding out what will happen if i tried.

I never gave myself or anyone else a chance

- Ramkumar Kabetha Bai, on 15th September 2005

The greatest gift to mankind, would be to laugh. And that too to laugh at oneself.

All i had to do, was to simply try, and stop being terrified of failure.

Its not such a bad thing, it actually betters you as a person.

______________________________________________________________

It takes a very brave soul to admit that one is flawed, and ignorant of alot of things. That would be the first step to get things to change. It's called acceptance.

The universe is always trying to teach us lessons, and it keeps repeating these lessons till we get it.

Drama in our lives is often created by none other than ourselves.

I'll be the first one to proclaim that i can be a drama queen.

I'll also be the first one to admit that though i have flaws and i make mistakes, plenty of it, i try my best to make amends and change for the better. Thats all life is isn't it? to learn , to accept, to change?

A few of the things i've been trying to change:

1. My bad/ short/ volcano-like temper

2. My(sometimes) arrogance / ego

3. My Procrastination

4. My ability to be constantly late

5. My expenditure habits

A few of the virtues i'm trying to embrace

1. Patience

2. Appreciating people

3. Accepting the flaws of other people, as terrible as it can get.

4. Listening to people

5. Compromising, accommodating, being more generous

What is life, if you don't leave this earth a better person, a wiser person?

On the same note, who is wiser?

The one who has seen more of life, or the one who knows more of God?

One must learn more of God, meaning one must embrace more of life,Life which he has given- which is which, what is what?

To know more of God, one must also learn how to love. And yet, the most amazing of all love, eros is forbidden from the highest of men- known as priests.

This is strange.

........

Over the years, i've turned into a hippie.

A modern one- A Moppie.

A yoga- loving, incense-loving, meditation-loving, ALCOHOL loving, MOPPIE.

The New-Age person.

God is no longer who the church says he is.

He is what my gut-feeling tells me.

The truth is what the inner whisperings of my heart relay.

I'm christian, i don't read the bible.

I don't kneel and pray.

I simply maintain conversations with God in my head... "Hey, God, this Kay here, Nice sky today.Please don't let it rain. thanks. Amen"

yea, stuff like that.

After all, before the Gospels, what did we have? Merely a connection of our souls with God.

I don't believe in preaching, atleast not in the most obvious, irritating, approach strangers in the MRT, and warn them about the dangers of reading The Da Vinci Code kind of way.

Preaching is something personal. You are telling people about something that is close to your heart, your religion, your God.

If you are'nt a preacher by proffession, don't try to be one.

God will send your way people who need His word, and the right circumstances for it. A friend, family member, someone who will trust you and listen to what you have to say.

The Christian religion has suffered enough blows, spare us any further vindication.

Hmmm, my fascination, and reverence, and astute awareness for God is stemmed i believe in my child hood.

Imagine this, what kid watches the Ramayan and Mahabharat on videotape every morning, and reads Comics of the lives of saints?

Besides that, attends singing classes to sing songs in worship, and has to help out in the temple's kitchen?

In addition to that, has a father who's nightly reading material is the Bhagavad Gita, and all dinner conversations revolve around God and his heaven?

A tad fanatical i know...

I didn't find God, while walking down that road,although i became more aware of his existence... so in times like that you tend to look for him in other places, like a church...

Well, i'll see where all this takes me... Goodnight world...

2006-05-28T10:53:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm........

Another Sunday- DROPOUT NATION, is now synonymous with America- Catch it on OPERA... interesting. For a country that believes in equality, it sure has bitten its own backside in this one.

Here's a random thought: Theres seems to be nothing, i feel, sufficiently interesting about P.ornography. I actually find it hilarious. WAHAHAHAH.

2006-05-27T10:32:00.000-07:00

FEAR FACTOR

At times, i let the fear get to me. Its terrible.

You think of what could be, what has been, and possibly even what will never be.

Well i just have to wait and see. See whats ahead. And see if there is anything else beyond that.

For now, the only thing i can give myself is happiness.Loads of it. Everyday.

Some people think that everything is just as so. Taken for granted.

Little do they realise that everything is on permanent loan, given only for a short tenure, and meant to be only enjoyed during that period called life. The moment its over, its over, theres no turning back the clock.

All the situations in life good or bad, all the pain, and every other emotion, savour it, cause its the only thing that reminds us of how human we are, and of all our imperfections.

It is only because we are human, that we can believe in goodness, and we muddle along in all our imperfections, striving to make life better. Only because we are human. Thank God for that.

The good that man does, is often overshadowed by the bad, simply because of the mistaken belief that, that the evil that men do lives on after them. The good stuff can't simply be erased can it? It lives on too. Not just the evil.

I also believe in one other thing.

The fact that each one of us, already knows the answer to everything. It is simply a matter of calling forth that knowledge. Its buried deep within- THE ANSWER.

All answers.

How can you not know? It is by no magic that its so.

Its only because we were all created by a universal truth called God, in whom lies all answers.

Anger.

Is an emotion all of us can do without.

Bitterness

Is a reaction which can be and should be avoided at all costs.

G'night y'all.

2006-05-23T12:14:00.000-07:00

MYSTERY MAN

Well, didn't find out who he/she is.

Damn.

The one romantic thing that could ever happen to me in my entire life.

And it goes unsolved.

WHY?

Oh well. C'est la vie.

I realised, even if i did find out, what would it matter? Its not as if i would fall in love and live happily ever after.

It doesn't work out that way. You would think things like this don't happen to people, not in real life atleast... but then again, since when has my life ever been anything past absurd?

Its better that such a thing took place, and its part of some of my good memories.

Right?

Yea. Very true.

Oh well.

Like i said, C'est la vie.

____________________________________________________

EGO TRIP.

you know, i have received alot of very encouraging comments from alot of people. People from whom such comments would send me to cloud nine... simply cos it gives me hope, and a reason to go on, fighting for a far away dream. Not because its an ego trip...

R.J R.osales, B.abes, K.ay S.iu, R.obin, G.ani, E.mma, J.ohn .Lee... the lot

They 've given me confidence i haven't had in a long time, about my voice and my looks.

I haven't been described as beautiful in a long time, not since i was a kid, and whaddya know, people left right and centre, give me appraising looks and tell me i'm beautiful... I feel happy. LOL, i know, madness, one should never take delight in such superficiality, for what are looks, if not transient in nature? One day perky, next saggy. One day supple and slim, the next wrinkly and fat-filled. OH the vanity of me.. Woe be me.

Also... and more importantly...

That i can sing, and should continue doing so... Happiness at that moment would be synonymous with my name, everytime i heard it from them.

Lovely, i could live on these words for the next few years at least. Amen.

2006-05-20T09:12:00.000-07:00

Man Of Letters...

So i've two more shows left...

After this it'll be back to reality... and when its back to reality, it means going back to DT, and furthering my studies and my performing career...

Whoop-de-doo... should be fun...

The mystery love letter sender lives on... after a one day absence, i've received two letters with in a day from him/her...

The first letter as u all know, i've already blogged about... The second letter, is his/her own words and the third is another song from MOL... the last two letters have arrived with roses, in accompaniment.

Here's what it says:

2nd letter, i found it in the morining immediately after the warm-ups... it was so cool...

My Dearest one,

I regretfully apologise for not having written again sooner.I desired to, but the words failed me, which is why i had to borrow the musical's lyrics which articulate so perfectly the feelings i have for you.

Every single moment I yearn to decipher your mysteries, to discover the essence of your being, to daringly look straight into your eyes and declare all these overwhelming emotions that thrash about inside my heart. Alas, i have not the courage to divulge this vocally.

My dearest one, i do so long to hear from you. Write to me, tell me what you feel, what you think- say anything, anything at all! I desire only your replies to me, and those are sufficient right now. Leave it where you found this letter and i shall retrieve it when i can.

Eagerly i wait...

So i did, i replied, thanking the person, for his/her kind words, and wanting to know who the person is...signing off as FOREVER YOURS, lol, those of you who watched the musical will get the joke...

The third letter, came after the matinee show, it was so fast, i was just having dinner, when i went back to check on my costumes and VOILA! there it was.. with a rose.

And it was another song from MOL....

Just the other evening
When the world was sleeping
I was lying wide awake imagining your smile
Then a breeze that bore your gentle voice across the miles
Floated in the air and there you were.

To mesmerize me
Haunt me with its beauty
Wrap me in the warm embrace of love so real and pure
Love like heaven's malady from which there is no cure
Love's the agony i can endure

I cannot help but praise your sweet enchanting ways
That help me through the days when we're apart...

OMG, this guy / girl is so ... sweet, yet its difficult to believe that so much passion can exist with in a person i barely even know, well don't know at all actually.

This is so ridiculous. Who is it? THIS IS SO ABSURD. Things like these don't happen in real life. Does it? Has it happened to anyone i know? NO.

It has to be someone who knows the script, and knows the timing of the actors, i don't think its one of the cast, because, well frankly they're all gay, and i'm not aware of any lesbians. The bisexual i do know is married with a kid, and a well-known cynic, who would never resort to such flowery prose.

It still could be a prank... hmm, not very funny though. LOL. although a tad amusing.

SO i've decided. I will reply.

Dearest YOU,

Whoever you are. The show ends today, as you should know, seeing as to how you seem to have such knowledge of the script, as well as how you seem to know when is the most opportune moment to slip your letter into my jewellery bag unnoticed.

Thank you for the flowers and the letters. I'm sure you must have put in alot of effort into doing these things. I must say, you have alot of passion for someone who has barely gotten to know me, if you've gotten to know me at all.

Which is why, i doubt your words. I don't think they're all that true, or as loving and passionate as they appear to be on your letters. I once again hope, that this is not a prank, because if it is, it is not funny. I don't live by anonymous romantic gestures like these, although i do appreciate it, if it is at all sincere.

If you really DO mean these words, and these are NOT just "empty words" then tell me who you are, show me who you are.I really do wish to know.

Give me a face to put to these letters, a name. Or atleast some clue. ANYTHING. It would be a shame for this production to end and for me to go on wondering who on earth left me these letters.

I do hope you get back to me by the end of tonight's show... leave me a number, an email address, anything, ok? You MUST tell me who you are... Leave your letter where you always do. It's my turn to wait for a reply.

FOREVER YOURS,
Kay.

2006-05-17T09:10:00.000-07:00

FORSEE...

Today was preview for MOL...

I spent the night at Xuan's place, being too lazy to return all the way back home...

Rather interesting week i have been having...

Wig changes, make-up changes, last minute choreography... Costume changes... It's been hectic , it's been fun...

You gotta do what you gotta do.. The cast has bonded, the principles are fantastic. Annndddd...

There seems to be a mystery lurking in the corner...

The dressers and i are on the case...

I arrived today morning at my changing station back stage, and found in my cabaret costume jewellry change bag a letter, at first sight i thought it was my comp tickets. Then i recalled i brought it back.. So i fished it out... It had a tiny black heart on it.

And i read.

This is what it said...

I am at a total loss for words
To explain the tembling of this heart
That waits hopelessly for you

All the symphonies of love unheard
Every lost forgotten work of art
May be never heard or viewed

But i fear
That melodies hide when you appear
Deep in my thoughts they are crystal clear
Only to melt when i am
In your presence

My Dearest one,

Do you know what you have made me become
Just another love struck fool struck dumb......

Rather unoriginal, the lyrics being an editted version of the song in MOL, which is the first letter Robin's character writes to Roseanne, emma's character, sung by Ming...

It could have been 1. a prank, or 2. a prop...

So in my excited and highly amused state i enquired with the leads, however it was not...I enquired with everyone... yet there seems to be no clue.

Interesting... Well i'll see what happens, we're thinking its one of the sound crew. LOL.

Just what we needed to spice things up around here...

ANYWAY...

MAN OF LETTERS will be showing from tmw- thursday till Sunday, at 8 p.m. tickets are priced at $38.00 onwards... do come to watch, the tickets are available at sistic...

It's a beautiful story with great acting... and beautiful music. Touching to the very end...

This year's must see musical actually.

Alright then au revoir, onto sleep, and finding the mystery love letter sender...lol...

2006-05-15T19:38:00.000-07:00

Wish upon a star.

Someone who's intellectual
Someone with whom to spar
Someone who's wit is quicker than a runner.
Someone who knows more than i do
Someone who wants to live what life may bring
I fear there's no such thing

Someone who dreams in colour
Someone who thinks in rhyme
Someone who's not impossible to find
Someone who'll be devoted, kind and gentle
Yet someone who'll never cling
I fear there's simply no such thing

Where's the one i want to meet?

One who'll sweep off my feet
I;m beginning to believe he's fiction
Is he only found in tales
Hopelessly relayed by feverish females
Clinging on to dreams gone stale
Waiting for their perfect king
When there's no such thing.

Why do we have to go thru
all we eventually do
Why are we always ready to be made fools
Pouting and preening for a handsome
Mr. Right who's good at everything
You know there's no such thing

Will i ever get to meet
My knight in shining armour with
A science degree?
Spouting words of poetry
As he offers me the ring

Is there such a thing?

Leading lady -Roseanne's pondering about the perfect man.
Don't we all want the same thing? Females ask for too much sometimes.

When there is NO such thing.

It's true.

All the good men ARE gay, or married, or simply prefer to be single/not meant to be. Or ...

DEAD.

Sigh, everytime this song is done, backstage, i can't help but get into a funk.

Romance existed a long time ago, the era our play is set in. But not now.

And being surrounded by gay men while the song is being sung doesn't help either.

Oh highlight of the week... We're being vocally groomed by Amanda- claim to fame, she vocally coached Nicole Kidman for Moulin Rouge...

And... i ate dinner with George- *swoons* he's a fantastic singer, playing supporting lead role- Gan Seng- amazing voice.

And... we have a 45 piece orchestra playing for us.

AMAZING, i tell you.

I love my cast, i'm going to miss them once this is done.

A fair majority will be doing Forbidden City once this is done... therefore i shall be going to support them. Yippee...

2006-05-12T06:50:00.000-07:00

Your Daily Cocaine.

Fighting for peace is like F**king for virginity.

-Courtesy of Eleanor's t-shirt.

Careful what you think, it might become what you say.
Careful what you say, it might become what you do.
Careful what you do, it might become habit.
Careful what becomes habit it might become character.
Careful your character, it might become your destiny.

- Gani.

No truer words have ever been said.

It's a warm friday. There's a chilling fog in the air. Strange.

Some people. They think they know the world.
.
.
.
Well, to those people, the world does not know you.

Hah!

Looks like i've said my bit for the day.

Over & out.

2006-05-11T23:10:00.000-07:00

Half a century

Living half a century is no joke.

Especially in this world, you see the world change, people grow, your own perspective on things change.

Technology moving at break neck speed...

Today, my dad turns 50.

I've known him for 19 years plus of my life... all my life.. actually.

Heres 10 things i love about him.

1 . I love his wackiness and his sense of humor, its truly one of a kind.

2. I love his ability to scrutinise things to the smallest of details( at times it can be irritating)

3. I love the way he creates things- be it something he cooks or does, he always puts in 100% effort in everything he does.

4. I love his cooking. He is so meticulous about flavour, i've always liked it when he cooked ever since i was a lil kid.

5. I love his ability to be kind- ( when he so chooses to be)

6. I love his ideas about God, Law and religion ( i may not always agree but i love it all the same)

7. I love his ability to put things in a nutshell.

8. I love the way he looks when he's wearing his glasses and reading the papers... (he reminds me of a bat)

9. I like the way he misplaces something and gets angry when he discovers it right in front of him.

10. I love his dramatic gestures and strong way of describing things.

Yes, these are the things i love about him, that and the fact and he just came up to me and went "Oi! who said i'm old! look i just shaved off my beard- i'm young again."( note: his beard is the only place where theres white hair. And i was looking at it this morning, i never said anything- tsk tsk - paranoia....) lol.

__________________________________________________________

WISDOM

Throughout my journey in MOL, i've met some people with loads of wisdom to offer.
Two who have left the deepest impact on me- both of whom who are close friends since young.

One is Abdul Gani, the other is Zoe Christian.

Both of them are truly one of a kind. I love even being in their presence. Their aura is so gentle and somehow buzzing with goodness. they;'ve been thru much in their lives.

Listening to them- i can't help but feel young and appreciate life alot more. Because i know i have something they don't- Time, youth and energy.

I guess thats the downside of hanging out with young people- we don't appreciate what we have.

Gani's love for performing is so apparent, he truly is a performer inside out.

He speaks about the arts here, overseas, life and its lessons, a higher power and God... Zoe speaks about aura and people and their spirits and GOD, and meditation, and both of them whether they know it or not speak about Karma and dharma... It's profound. And interestingly its what my father has been saying all this while.

Perhaps thats why i like them so- cos they remind me of my father, all three have the same flower child attitude, one moment they're preaching about God the next they prance away dancing and singing.

People of another world, yesterday's world, who guise themselves so they can fit into today's world, and just be.

They've all played a key role in my decisions lately, their influence. Gani loaned me cds, he just brought them to rehearsal yesterday and started telling me about R&B 's history, he's been talking to me about singing and etc for the longest time.. and his knowledge is just amazing.

Zoe, talks to me about the soul and the need for its growth. The whole importance about aura and not letting your energy be affected.

My father, and his interest in politics and law and its roots in religion is my daily bread

Its because of the decisions i'm making that i know i can't be having certain relationships in my life- like marriage. I know i'm not meant to get married. they say this is the elimination age, when you decide what's for you and what's not.

I've been looking at a life that is to be fast tracked and focussed towards success- a lawyer or some kind of executive.

At the same go i look at all the esoteric knowledge that's been sent my way- and i know its no accident that i've been placed in a family that has so much to do with religion and that is so deeply entrenched in it. Accidents like that don't happen, The Universe, does everything as it should be done.

Not to mention, acting is a religious experience, it moulds people into philosophers, who's profession is based on emotion and thought, reading people and situations.

I know i want to see the world and enrich myself. Experience people and traditions, cultures. I do not wnat to live the life of my parents, i want to see the world and learn and learn and learn. I also believe that learning starts at your doorstep... So here is where i'll start.

Life is too short to be trapped in an office, earning money and focussing on the 5 Cs. Every minute is a wonder. I'm not going to waste it. As soon as i complete my education i'm going to set off!. Yes, i am going to get a law education but i will not be practicing for long.Theres too much to do. Too much to learn, i'm just in wide eyed-wonder of the world i live in. I want to be a gypsy.

I want memories of places and people, and experiences that i can teach to other people. ANd i want to do it while i can and not after i retire.

I want to walk in the middle of a rainforest, climb a mountain, Build a snowman, and catch fish and visit temples and places of religious significance, learn world history... learn new languages, and build homes for the homeless, and hold AIDs ridden babies in my arms and protest against war.

I want to be an intellectual with ideals and philosophies and a person of GOD. That's what i want to be.

2006-05-08T01:24:00.000-07:00

Itchy Throat...

Just finished recording the Freedom song for MOL...They need it for the play apparently,so they got 4 of the ensemble to do it.

Speaking of freedom,what does freedom mean to you?

Freedom from judgement?

Freedom from Discrimination, from persecution?

From Poverty, from diesease?

Freedom to live, to love, to make your own decisions and to believe and to own something?

Freedom.

From?

Freedom.

to?

Liberty.

because?

Liberty.

What do i want freedom from?

What do you want freedom from?

Freedom, from this stranglehold,give us freedom
From this power, liberty,set us free for life...

Those are the lyrics from MOL.

Do i feel it when i sing it?

I don't know what to feel.

For the first time in my life, i don't know how to portray an emotion.

Longing, want, a thirst for freedom and liberty.

I don't know how, and it frustrates me.

To me acting is about truth, and i'm not being true to the audience,i just don't feel it.

But i will.

I will, and that is the difference.

It's just frustrating.

2006-05-05T10:05:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well...

Stress.

Jaw Lock.

inability to breathe.

chest pain.

Trembling.

Sigh...

Impressed.

Impressed beyond belief.

Right choice.

On the other hand....

Freshies. Urgh. Superficial. Chatty. Headache-inducing, flashy. Overly enthusiastic. out to prove. God help them.

Give them time. The empty vessels that seem to make too much noise will begin to fill, someday...

2006-05-03T09:31:00.000-07:00

struggle.

The script i have, is amazingly written.

Its written about a romantic time, about intellectual people, who believed in owning their lives and their country.

A passionate time, filled with hope.

A time where there was no rush.

A time when, love and its ideals were pure and untainted.

When people still could dream of a better day, and make it happen.

A people who were worldly and philosophical.

People as young as 16.

A world of fragrances, handkerchiefs, and letters.

No wonder then, i find it so hard to relate to.

2006 is so vastly different.

Its simple, no one cares in this time.

people are brash, are rude- my self no exception.

They're crass and loud, and they keep to themselves, emotions a rare indulgence, sex an exploit, an addiction, a pastime.

Being in this play, has taught about some of the things that matter.
_____________________________

2006-05-02T07:52:00.000-07:00

Vodka.

Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don’t
Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won’t
Depending on how the wind blows, I might even paint my toes
It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul

I’m not the average girl from your video
And I ain’t built like a supermodel
But I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I’m not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I’m wearing I will always be
The Kabetha. B (India Arie)

When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it’s supposed to be
And I know my Creator didn’t make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes; I’m loving what I see
Am I less of a lady if I don’t wear pantyhose?
My mama said a lady ain’t what she wears but what she knows
But I’ve drawn a conclusion: it’s all an illusion, confusion’s the name of the game
A misconception, a mass deception, something’s gotta change
Don’t be offended, this is all my opinion, ain’t nothing that I’m saying law
This is a true confession of a life-learned lesson I was sent here to share with ya’ll
So get in where you fit in; go on to shine; clear your mind; now’s the time
Put your salt on the shelf, go on and love yourself cause everything’s gonna be all right

Keep your fancy drinks and your expensive minks;
I don’t need that to have a good time
Keep your expensive car and your caviar; all I need is my guitar
Keep your Kristal and your pistol;
I’d rather have it pretty as a crystal
Don’t need your silicone, I prefer my own, what God gave me is just fine

__________________________________________________________

Rehearsals are pumping up with pressure, and i couldn't have chosen a better time to fall ill.

People are getting cut even at this stage, and it can be quite scary, but we all just try our best and pray.

Humility and hunger. Key to success.

I hate people who create drama in their lives.

Oh i have no boyfriend!, i will never be loved!, there is no one special in my life. Oh for god's sake, people don't date and get married through some miracle, it takes effort. If you're too afraid to try or be daring then.... too bad.

This is such a gripe with so many people i know...

* note: to the sensitive and overly paranoid i am not talking about any one in particular*

Men these days are unfortunately quite cowardly...

In any case, i'm safe, because i don't intend to marry, or get hitched.

I am feeling very delirious right now, i am sick... completely sick... like a dog.

My nose, throat and ears are inflamed. And my head feels like its on fire...

Help...

point one: Don't take shit from no one.

Point Two: Choose your battles

Point Three: Some people can't seem to talk anything other than nonsense

Point four: Not every one has sense

POint five: some people are just not worth your time

Point six: Love God, Love yourself, and then begin to love other people flaws and all...

2006-05-01T08:28:00.000-07:00

Superman.

Ok so we're having costume fitting right?

The whole cast had already been fitted and we were waiting for our lunch break, my friend, Justin, was fiddling around with a pair of glasses, and he put it on.

Costume Dept.: Eh! you just came in ah? come, come, try your costume on!

Justin: * looks bewildered, and takes off glasses*

Costume dept: *look of recognition* Oh, it's you ah...

...

So, its true that disguise does work.

Lois Lane isn't as stupid as all that.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Secondary school memories....

The banana-Kan Taitai.

Vanessa Wan Ann Marlene.

The Cow

Terence

The weak

Pris gan

The Force

Jaslyn

The Diva

Kay

Today was hilariously fun..

THe same jokes were still funny, the memories still poignant as ever.

The feelings and camaraderie.

All the same.

Its as if we never left, never parted, never stayed away for 3 years from each other.

The same group positions, the same.... all the same.

Good.

Somethings, just shouldn't change.

2006-04-27T10:27:00.000-07:00

Sagittarius(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

House: Ninth ( How unsuprising)

Gemstone: Turquoise
New age stone: Lapis lazuli, azurite
Color: Purple, royal blue
Opposite sign: Gemini
Least Compatible with: Cancer, Taurus
Ruling Planet : Jupiter
Element: Fire
Anatomy ruled: Hips, thighs, sciatic nerve
Flower: Narcissus
Most compatible with: Aries, Leo and Sagittarius
Your tarot card: XIV Temperance

Usually:Intellectual, enthusiastic, tolerant and optimistic.
Can be:Extravagant, excessive, hotheaded and a gambler.

2006-04-26T06:44:00.000-07:00

Remember the days...

I remember days of no sleep, of unco-operative people, and of planning.

I remember having to skip, classes, lectures, hanging out, having fun.

I remember being the bad guy, the one who had to play the bad apple to get things done.

I remember all the pressure and the pain. All the side effects of stress...

I remember all of that.

And now i also know the reason for it.

Failure to plan, is indeed planning to fail.

Overworking your actors and not applying effective planning...

These things lead to unnecessary stress...

Things i'm trying to help eradicate as of now.

But its almost as if 3 years of experience is going to waste...

And it seems like the cycle is going to repeat itself, all because of ignorant youth, of overconfidence, and ego... I'm not berating or scolding. I'm just completely and utterly disappointed at the level of flippancy i've faced over and again, from just one particular person, the person who should be most focussed on gaining insight and experience and willing to learn and apply. A person who should not be so adamant.

Yet, when i speak, i see the unwillingness to accept whats being said, i see the unneccesary stress build up, and all the time wasted, because of unpreparedness.

Do you know why we look at you that way? Because we see the uncertainty in your eyes.

Because from your replies we can gauge the level of planning thats been done.

Thats the reason for all the nagging.

I sacrifice my resting time to make the trip down just to check, to be involved the way MY predecessors did for me, its tradition to guide during the first event every step of the way.

I witness all the tiffs and problems and i see history repeating, but to get involved, would be considered interfering.

And then i hear what you have to say, and i think if you really disliked it that much, than don't torture yourself, let someone else take over.

Maybe its time i just stepped back, and left things behind.

Having said all that, i admire the commitment of the very same individuals, and the level of hardwork they're willing to put in.

Good luck people.

You need it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MC Trip....

what was supposed to be a trip down for an MC, turns out to be what i always tried to avoid for the past few years.

Yes, i was putting it off.

Maybe cause i was afraid.

Shit, this is why i hate going to the doctor's.

Now, i've been referred to CGH, ENT unit, check up to be done ASAP.I hate acronyms.

The last time i was there i didn't even complete the check up, i left half way... Cos i was scared, and all by myself. Just like always.

No parents to accompany me anywhere. EVER.LOL. i like that though, lonely as it was.

This is when i wish this could be put off again. Even my parents don't know...

Its just been getting worse over the years...It'll probably get worse if i dun do anything about it.

Great.

2006-04-24T09:42:00.000-07:00

Soul.

Spirituality, meditation, self-motivation,peace.

These things are important.

Life right now, i've discovered, is all about learning and experiencing.

Most people are content with making millions and being comfortable.

I however, want to test my limits, I want to LEARN...

You know how sometimes you're struck by this gnawing feeling, that leaves you wanting to find out more?

Seeing the world, learning more about cultures, people, life, religion?

Taking a back seat, and sipping wine while the world goes by?

Enriching your mind, learning from your mistakes?

I've been told i'm looking radiant recently.

It could be that i'm doing something i like...
It could be that life is amazing right now...
It could be that for once i'm living without weighing myself down with unnecessary drama in my life.
It could be that i'm laughing everyday..

Loads of things...

At times like these, one just has to stop and thank God, for the blessings in life.

Amazing innit?

**************************************************************

2006-04-23T07:30:00.000-07:00

THE MAGIC FUNDOSHI

Caught that tonight... interesting show, for those of you who did not catch it, my condolences, just pray that they may just decide to stage it again.

The dialogue was witty, and enticing, the actors captured very well the influence of Japanese Culture...

We, (Isabella, Daniel and i) got tickets from Jonathan Lam, who so graciously offered us the complimentary tickets he got.

Two of the actors, Emma & Robin are playing the leading roles in Man Of Letters, Ming and Roseanne, opening 17th May, however first three days of tickets have already been sold out, so if you are so inclined to watch please purchase the tickets from sistic today.

This week has been another week of eventful happenings...

Life has completely turned around since i joined this musical...

Something is definetely happening to me, even i don't know what it is.

People whispering in my ear,( real people, mind you.) telling me things I really needed to hear at this point in my life.

Giving me confidence, giving me hope, ensuring me that i'm not doomed to a life of 9-5 p.m. office slavery.

In the words of Daniel- " Wah, this is like some kind of inspirational journey for you hah!"

It truly is mate.

I'm inspired everyday.. by fellow actors, professional actors who've been doing this for zonks... and every one else involved in this production...

I'm beginning to realise exactly what i want in life, i'm really at the brink of it. I just have to act on it...

Yesterday, Zoe & I Made a trip down to Lil'India to meet DeRong, he's an amazing costume designer, a very unique soul, and a gentleman.

He's seen SO much of the world... he ran off to Sri Lanka when he was 17, just like that, all by himself and has been a gypsy for the past 20 years of his life, doing his work and going from country to country.Also, he's in love with india. Now that is definetely a plus with me. LOL.

Being with these people, makes me realise more than ever that there is more to life than you think of it, and theres is so much of the world yet to see.

Zoe too, has been going around the world and has only just returned last year or so.

It's amazing, I'm in the company of amazing souls everyday. People i have so much to learn from. And i'm learning everyday. They've become my role models in a sense.

These guys are definetely not the run of the mill kind of people. They are SO spiritual, and so grounded with everything, they've seen so much of life. This production, is another one of those religious experiences i talk about.

They appreciate everything, everyone, they take time with the important things in life.

Anyway, i brought them to Sakunthala's, the restaurant, Naz, Mel and i used to visit religiously during Devdas, where they left it up to me to order...

And well we made a feast of thosais and Chettinad chicken, which they promptly fell in love with too.

In conclusion, we ended up purchasing, jewellery for my character, as well as Various saris, for various scenes, which were all rather beautiful...

Don't ask me why, but Darren, the director, thinks its a good idea to have me in saris and i'm getting used to moving around in one frequently... therefore, i intend to wear one everywhere.

So yes, life is taking me someplace really interesting right now, and i'm just taking it a step at a time. We'll see how all this ends up...

MOL has done so much for me in the past 2 weeks, 3 more to go... I can't wait.

2006-04-19T08:57:00.000-07:00

Rinse, gargle and repeat.

Rehearsals, are fun.

Especially so when there is an interesting cast to hang out with.

My clique consists of these people----Theres

Isabella- the eurasian hot chick

Daniel- My fellow sista.

Eleanor- the very witty, sharp and sarcastic mama.

Zoe- A very elegant and beautiful woman

Jonathan- Our Pianist( who's going off to NS TMW)

Yup, these are the people i've recently met who are closest to me.

The cast on the whole, is very friendly and co-operative.

it's strange, because i keep seeing people i find familiar,but i can't quite place, and then i realise, oh wait- she/ was in this TV serial or production.

And then you know all about this person, either from the papers or TV, but then you're not really "supposed" to, because you're meeting them for the first time?

And then when they introduce themselves, i feel like saying- "i know", but then i can't?

Yes, interesting dilemma.

LOL.

_----------------------------_-----------------------_-------------------------_

On a side note:

Can some people just give up being bitchy?

Frankly, its just so tiring.

Like what ever grow UP.

I truly can't give a shit about some people's opinions anymore, REALLY, do you even THINK before you say anything?

I mean, here i am apologising for even existing at times, giving people the liberty to say what they want. Making me out to be a bigger bitch than i am, and i'm like - oh sorry sorry... Trying to accommodate people at every single turn.

Seriously, i NEVER take offence, i ALWAYS listen anything, anything ANYONE has to say.Accepting is another question.

Now, i've learnt and well. Fuck off, i mean what i say, and i don't take it back, some people are just SO deluded, i mean get a clue, how many times do i say it before it sinks in?

Whatever.

DELUDED to the extreme.

It's just been two weeks, but it feels like i've aged considerably.

Some may call it maturity settling in. I just call it geting jaded.

At times, life just gets so interesting at some point, you don't even know where you're going, and you just wait for the next surprise to come along.

I'm waiting.

Suprise me.

P.S: If anonymous decides to tag something nasty after what i said, go ahead, i really don't care. Just think before you say anything, and don't think i don't know who you are. Like you couldn't get anymore obvious, sheesh... Nonsensical CHILD.Pfft. take note, i'm not attacking you, i'm just not taking shit from no one anymore, so if you want to say anything to me, call me or tell it to my face.Thank You and God Bless.

2006-04-18T06:37:00.000-07:00

You find inspiration in almost anything, if you just let yourself..

When there’s no one else, look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within
Then you’ll find the strength that will guide your way
You’ll learn to begin to trust the voice within
Young girl don’t hide
You’ll never change if you just run away
Young girl just hold tight
Soon you’re gonna see your brighter day
Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It’s so hard to stand your ground when you’re so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you look outside look inside to your soul

These words have been my solace for the longest time, recently.

I'm happy, i really am. Because things are beginning to look up for me.

Looks like this year can be salvaged afterall.

Alcohol really is a salve for the wounded heart.

Drink, and drink until all your senses are numbed, and you can't feel anymore.

I think.

I think there isn't any point in trying anymore is there?

Yea, there really isn't.

Life is good.

God is Good.

So be it.

LOL.

Everything happens as God Wills It doesn't it?

Yes, i believe that.

I've found love, for myself, for others.

I'm willing to be inspired by everything around me, I'm willing to learn.

To take risks.

For doors to open, certain doors must close aye?

AYE.

G'night.

2006-04-16T20:26:00.000-07:00

Wine, Cheese, chocolates.

I have returned.

After a week of intensive rehearsals, i am truly in love with theatre.

Performers really are queer bunch- pardon the pun.

Being around great talent really is rather humbling and inspiring at the same go.

And speaking to people who are twice to thrice my age and have been in this industry doing great things, people I used to watch on stage and used to admire. Yea, they're the people i am now performing with on the same stage.

Times like this i have to pinch myself just to make sure i'm not dreaming.

Next week the principle characters come on board...

Lim Kay Siu...
Emma Yong...
Samantha Foo...
Abdul Ghani...
Robin Goh...

I'm still pinching myself.

The songs in the musical are great, the storyline is very passionately written as well. I've been given a couple of solo lines.. which is mind-blowing....

Its about the University students attempt to throw the British out, and the all the rioting that took place back then.

Its based on Cyrano De Bergerac. So theres a lil romance woven into it.

Tickets are priced starting from $28.00, so do come and watch the show, it shows from 17th May till 21st May.

Well.

Thats all for now.

Ciao.

2006-04-12T06:55:00.000-07:00

SICK

Why do I always have to keep my feelings under wraps?

AM i not human?

Why do i always swallow my pride and be the one to reach out?

Why is it always ME?

Why am i always acting the bigger person?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED.

over the years i've changed.

over the years, the anger diminished and almost faded.

NOW, i don't even think any of this is worth getting angry over.

And yet.

I don't know.

I am THAT disposable?

oh dear GOD, i think NOT.

I try so hard, to provide for everyone, to make everyone happy. AND WHAT HAPPENS?

I'm still trying.

I will always try.

Because that is the only thing i can do.

I could cry. But i won't.

But for now, i'm doing the only thing i can. Blogging, with fury.

YOU made it this way.

YOU.

YOU.

FUCK YOU.

I'll never hate you, i may even love you, but fuck you anyway.

2006-04-05T09:19:00.000-07:00

Today in Kay's Life

This is Kay reporting live from the living room of Ramkumar's residence.

As you can't see, (but you can definetely imagine), the TV has American Idol going on, the patriarch of the family is taking it easy on the easy chair, and the dog is chewing on Watermelon skins.

I returned from rehearsal about 3 hours back, and i must say i'm loving it. The first day had me so stressed i finished a family sized chocolate bar. I now sport a zit on my left temple to attest to it.

NOW, i am learning so much, i'm absorbing it all like a sponge, there is so much to movement that i didn't know, if broken down to its finest details, you can actually act better if you know how movement works.They do say, acting is a choreographed dance on stage.

Today was actually fun. I'm beginning to love both our instructors.One of them even wore heels during the formation of our cabaret dance, well we all did, excluding the rest of the guys. Following that segment, he immediately had to take a breather to mobilise his feet again.

Apparently our upcoming rehearsals, we're going to start the day with vocal lessons, and then go into dance etc.
EAch day is going to stretch from 10 am till 6 pm each day.

Ok, this will be topped off by Rehearsals for main production and if i make it through, rehearsals for THE NEXT WAVE.

ok, its going to be a nice and full two months... i'm looking forward to it.ANd no, i don't think i'm going to be tired out, maybe after the whole thing. But i like being busy, as much as i complain, but i like it.

You know what i really like? To act for once. I've been either singing, or dancing, or directing, but not actually acting... I would like that.

A role. With Lines. It's been years for god's sake. LOL.

2006-04-03T11:17:00.000-07:00

All in a day's work...

I came back from rehearsal a while back.

I was so depressed i swung by Cheers and bought a whole Block of chocolate, and a pack of cheese.

Don't ask me why.

I most definetely to not intend to eat it together.

hmmm.

Now theres an experiment.

Perhaps the subconcious me needed to make-up for the unhealthy snack by complimenting it with a healthier choice.

Chocolates and asparagus. hehehe, different story.

Whatever.

Anyway, back to the rehearsal..

It took place in SRT.

S.ingapore R.epertory T.heatre

And why would there be a need to console myself?

Warm up was a series of yoga steps done at an incredible speed, ok now that i could keep up with...

How would you feel if you were in a rehearsal room, and the dance choreographer contorted his body in to many different shapes, at a rapid speed, which seemed to defy the limit of human flexibility?

Not to mention, in the process of doing that, beautifully moves across the room, in a series of spins, fancy footwork and other graceful manuevers that i of almost no dance training background, cannot possibly manage without causing myself to suffer instant paralysis?

To top it all off, the rest of the class seems pretty able to manage it, considerably well?

Tragic it is.

Tmw, he has requested that the ladies bring a pair of heels to dance in.

Never has anyone embraced death the way i am right now.

And if you must, i would like white roses on my grave.

Oh, impending demise come swiftly!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Father.

Over time, i realise, him and i seem to be able to get along rather well.

Atleast, for now we can.

The man is terrifyingly intelligent albeit a tad confusing.

Moments ago, after turning out the lights in the hallway on me, leaving me in the darkness save for the light from the screen, he stopped my table to pick on the phrase- "Fallen In Love".

He says that it was a phrase coined many centuries back, and like many phrases it has been misunderstood.

He was analysing the prospects of inserting a comma anywhere in the sentence, and the effect it would have on its meaning.

Eventually, he concluded that the phrase, was intended for divine love,as falling indicates descension, and descension indicates something coming from above, like God's love for man, and vice versa.

This only took on a negative aspect when it came to Eros, love between men and women, where the term falling it taken literally, and therefore negatively, as falling can never be positive.

Therefore, love is only meant to be between God and Mankind, in the form of agape ( er- GA- peh) not agape( A- gape).

Yes, he is like that, analysing every word, every phrase, and every sentence structure.

Often this analysis, leads one, usually, the immediate members of his family to be rather cautious with words.

His analysis, from time to time, is also often accurate.

He analyses everything. Anything is subject to scrutiny, and he can use anything to tell what a person is like.

Like political speeches, and the effect the politician is trying to achieve, and what kind of effect it really will have.

My mother analyses too, only she bases it on facial features and skin.

Haha, one analyses the inside, the other the outside.

This is rather annoying at times.

Because nothing is able to escape him, at times.

And also, it means they never run out of things associated with me to scrutinise.

Of course, over-analysis tends to happen. Paranoia can also result from this.

I am the same.

I take after my father {and quite possibly me mum in small ways}, and he has stated this, more than once rather subtly.

It's something, that i can be proud of, and then sometimes not.

Hmmm.

Like him, i tend to scrutinise people and their behaviour, i observe people, in a variety of situations.More often now, than before, before it was limited to tv and story book characters

I can explain at great length on some mundane thing, that for some reason has caught my eye.An irritating perfectionist.

Remarkably, this has translated into me understanding people a lil better too.

I've just come to realise, that i have a talent, and hereditary one, maybe its been nurtured,i don't know.

But i'm beginning to appreciate it.Its led me to understand people, after 20 years. I now understand people, when i never did before. Really i never did. I always believed i couldn't have been part of the human race, lol! This idea of course is still fervently believed by my brother, who has not stopped signalling to the aliens, in hopes that i shall someday be whisked away.

I'm kidding.

The twerp has broken out in heat rashes.

Calamine, calamine, calamine lotion, ooooooh no more calamine lotion!

My mother always said so, " Surya, you have too much fire in you, and your sister, she's a waterbag."

Gee, thanks.

YOu know how they say women talk too much?

I think that must only be because, we have to ask a question about three times before they(men) answer it properly.

Example:

Me: SO what did the doctor say?

Bro: *Silence*

me: SO what did the doctor SAY?

Bro: I might die soon, *continues playing video games with my father, both continue to ignore me*

Me: WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY?

Bro and father: I/ He has heat rashes, now shut up woman and allow us to play our game- * flash alien distress signal*.

2006-04-01T00:57:00.000-08:00

THOUGHT

I believe there are several groups of people in this world, with sevral different ways of thinking.

But of course there are as many ways of thinking as there are people. And also there are ways to think, and the way you think is reflected in the way you behave, you react, you interact, the way you speak, sit, live, how you even look at something, what holds your attention etc.

Every act manifested, is a display of your thoughts and who you are inside, your upbringing.

I like to know how people think. Why they behave the way they do.

What irks them. What they hold close to their heart. How they react in various situations.

Its interesting.

And the people that i find interesting, i like to engage in conversation.

How egotistical. heh. i'm just honest okay...

Some people don't think enough, some people think too much.

Some think in non-conventional ways.

Some...

A single sentence can define a person.

Which would be why it is said, that wise men's words are made of gold.

Because their words carry so much weight, every word is weighty with knowledge, an indication of their intellect.

The tone, the pronounciation, the accent, the choice of words, the facial expression, the intent behind the eyes.

Minute details are often significant details.

Actors who make observations like these, are usually the ones who can portray a character far better than anyone, and it starts, with a sentence.

Before anything else, the director, must work on the mind of the actor, and from there, everything else will fall in place.

Freaky Friday is a good example.Just watched it today morning... Jamie Lee Curtis, is magnificent in that movie.

Its a simple movie, with a non-conventional plot, with er, slightly racist innuendo.

Asian Voodoo? Hello?

Anyhow, JLC, displayed a not very obvious but very detailed portrayal of Lindasy Lohan's character. The way she sits, the way she talks, the voice, the details.

She had the thoughts of a teen running in her head.

And Lindsay Lohan, suprisingly was very good as well.

She is quite a beauty, very classic looking face.

I should say, one of the more convincing body-switch movies that i have seen.

Body-switch.

BODY-SWITCH.

something just occurred to me.

Ignoring that, yes...

I realise, that in Singapore, quite significant is the number of people who have no idea what they're living for.

The world actually.

Is it that they think dying happy and rich is the goal everyone should reach for?

Having everything they ever wanted?

I always thought, that maybe life is a test of choices. Daily choices, it doesn't matter how you lived it=what status etc.

I mean, at the end, we will all face judgement, And i believe one of the factors will be what we did with the life God gave us.

Besides being faithful to God that is.

What did you do with your life?

Sit in the office from 9-5 everyday?

How many hours of your life did you waste away doing things you absolutely didn't have to?

Yes work, but did you enjoy the life that you had?

Its not all about working hard...

Its about experience, and how much you've learnt.

And there is so much to learn.

Sure people say you can't go far without paper qualifications, but isn't there so much you can do without it, you won't tie yourself down to one occupation.

You can try so many things!

But of course being a jack of all trades and a master of none serves no purpose.

One thing is true though.

I will never win this debate.

2006-04-01T00:46:00.000-08:00

THE CELEBRITY LOOK-ALIKE DEATH MATCH.

They even sound a tad alike.

Intriguing.

What do you think?

2006-03-31T06:49:00.000-08:00

Jazzin' it up

What is it about jazz music thats just so good?

Its so old school, but its evergreen!

Makes you wanna slip on dance shoes and boogey...

Big band Jazz rocks.

Jazz is so smooth, and so cool... and its like you can sing about anything...

And it'll sound good, the voice quality of jazz singers rocks too...

Yumyumyum...

Very good.

2006-03-31T03:25:00.000-08:00

Shakira's Hips Don't Lie.

Oh baby when you talk like that, you make a woman go mad....

now THAT is what i call a workout.

2006-03-31T01:37:00.000-08:00

Decisions.

Help me decide.

Canon Powershot S3 IS or iPod 60gb?

which one first??

Check these Out.

Toshiba Giga Beat 60GB

iZak 80GB

Wolverine 100GB

iAudio 60GB

Creative Nomad Zen Xtra 60GB

hmmmmmmmm... lovely.

Unfortunately some of it is only shipped within US.

whyyyyyy?????

Oh no.

I'm beginning to scare myself.

2006-03-30T09:07:00.000-08:00

It's Not that i...

It's not that i don't believe in love.

I do believe that it can be sincere, and that it even exists.

It's not that i'm a cynic, who won't give it a chance,

But tell me why is it that the greatest love stories end with the lovers not being together in the end.

Don't tell me the moral of the story is that one can die or do anything for love, because, that would not be reality.

It's not that i Don't want to fall in love.

But the world of eros is one that is very much fallible, and infallible love can only come from God.

So i'll tell you what it is...

in today's context, love is, you keep me happy, and i'll keep you happy, so sign this pre-nup, so i can rest in peace knowing you ain't marrying me for my money.

In Today's context

It seems mankind has found a cheap substitute for everything. All the pleasure with none of the guilt.

I'll drink my coffee, but it's gotta be decaf, non-dairy creamer, with non-sugar sweetner.

I'll have sex, but its just that, no strings attached.

There ain't no such thing as making love. Cos its a redundant thing of the past. Everything nowadays, is leaner, stronger, smarter, cost-effective and mass produced.

Tell me where does the human factor fit in?

People, tell me where is the love????????

I don't know why i'm feeling so heckled. But i've had this feeling since the scripting session today.

Yea, like i've said before. I don't intend to marry.

NEVER.

If i ever do, it would be one of my impulsive actions. An Annulment would be sought after i come to my senses, i will plead insanity on my part, and willfully non-consummate my marriage.

I would like to have children- just not my own, i know exactly who my sons and daughters are going to be. Pictures of them are in my head, i just hafta find them.We'd be like the United Colours of Benetton. We''ll take pictures, loads of them.And they'd all grow up to look like models.

I don't think i like the male species very much any more.In the sense of attraction.

Its not a sudden decision, its one thats been accumulating.

I mean they're cool to hang out with, and talk to, in fact, i tend to hang out with majority guys, they're funner and theres a sense of camarederie amongst them.

Love'em in that sense.

But if you asked me to date one, marry one, cook, clean and sleep with one- i'll tell you to think again.

Once upon a time, i always thought, i would be like everyone else- you know, get married, get pregnant, grow old with my spouse.

NOW, the thought of being tied down, makes me balk, i don't even wanna date!

I'm very happy this way.

Maybe i'm being selfish.

Oh! But who cares. HAHAHAHA.

Maybe i WILL fall, someday, but i'll never act on it.

I just don't want to get married. i don't want to lose my freedom, myself, my privacy.

Yea, so people say, the people who speak this way are the ones who fall the hardest.

No, i disagree, i think i've given myself ample opportunity to fall in love, ok before you say- " Don't you think, you're a bit too young to decide that?"

So when?

when do you want me to give up?

When i'm like a certain columnist, old, and still single and writing a column about my lack of love life, obviously in denial about my having to die single?

I rather give up on love, before it gives up on me.

That way i always win.

Because i made the decision.

Love is silly. It makes you draw hearts and day dream, and buy flowers that would do better to stay on the bush. You know that reminds me of a certain 6 word story. lol... well... anyway...

Love does exist. And my god, its one of the stupidest things to ever come into existence.

Not Agape not pathos, but eros, love between men and women.

I admit, i watch Bolly wood, and i love it, but whoever said i watch it for the love?, although it does seem to be all its about sometimes.

I watch it for the direction, the cinematography, the costumes, and the dance and music composition.The story at times.... *Worships Sanjay leela Bhansali*

There is no secret passion dwelling with in the realms of my heart. WAHAHAHA. Sorry Rosie, not making a jibe at you or anything.

So people go on about watching sunsets, and spending the otherwise lonely nights together...The anniversaries, the birthdays, the...

haha, in the words of George from Seinfeld- " Birthdays! they're relationship killers!"

yea... Why is being single such a bad thing? people look at it like some kind of failure. For Jesus' sake. LOL.

but of course i'm not saying the rest of you people out there shouldn't be in love, go ahead....

you know like that poem, by Robert Frost, or is it William white?

You know, go forth and tarry, for time is short, marry and have fun and procreate all the offspring you want or something, the government even pays you these days for things like that, Baby Bonus they call it.

Did you know, Feb is the month of love when Family matters!, thats why we were subjected to having good TV license money being used to create airtime for shows like a l.ight a.ffair... Cause we ain't producing as much as the "gahmen" wants us to. And because of the rest of the able to reproduce population's complacency, we're subjected to have plastic red hearts stuck to the fronts of our buses.Not that we're impotent, but you know....

So yes, fall in love and produce like rabbits if you have to... just don't get me involved.

I don't know how this happened to me, but reading those divorce files back during SIP, well.... it did something to me. No wonder so many lawyers are single, incl the one i worked for. Or well it seemed like she's one. Maybe i've been affected by the vibes in the office, something in the water? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Nah.

I think i've just grown up.

2006-03-29T06:08:00.000-08:00

Moments....

I'm talking to my dog, telling her some stuff, and mother walks by...

Mother: Look at you, talking to a dog...pfft... Like she's a rosebush or something...

I will never understand the innerworkings of the woman who birthed me. What irony.Oh Woe betide.

So today i wake up... missing some people.

I don't know why this suddenly happened-i'll do what my father does, and this one time, blame it on planetary influence.

Or perhaps PMS.

So i went through my phonebook.

The computer was being serviced, i've practically been thru all the books in my closet, theres nothing to do... at all.

so, I picked up my phone and scrolled...I do this sometimes... you know to see if theres anyone i haven't spoken to in a while, and then i call for fun at random...

Come to think of it, have you ever heard of those lonely, old people who go through phone books, just to get someone to talk to them? OH MAN. OK that is so not me.

I called... TErry!!!!!!

this was our conversation.

Kay: Hello

ter: Hello

Kay: Hello.

Ter: hello

Kay: Helloo..

ter: Hello

Kay: terence its me.

Ter: who's me?

Kay: KAY!!!

Ter: oh hello...

Kay: *Bursts out laughing*

Turns out the guy was prawning somewhere in East Coast...

Prawning, is like fishing, only you're catching prawns apparently.

I don't get it. What sort of possible pleasure could you get from Prawning?

I mean you catch a fish, you take a picture with it..

You catch a prawn... you bring it home to put in mum's steamboat?

" Whoa Check out this beauty guys!, this one's the biggest i've ever caught! 3 cm, beat that"!

possible.

Men are strange creatures, who find pleasures in the strangest achievements, incidentally, these achievements always seem to involve the length or the size of things.

heh.

In any case, i don't know what it is about Terry Bitch, everytime i talk to him, i end up laughing. Its not even when he says something, smart, or witty, or sarcastic.

This guy could sneeze and i'd laugh.

See, i can laugh even thinking about him sneezing. Like Now.

Mother is giving me strange looks, hmmm well i'm not the one who talks to rose bushes.

Back to Terry, i just have no idea what it is about him that cracks me up, i've been laughing at him since Sec 2. Thats when i met him. In fact i believe i was laughing at him when we became friends.

Apparently, some things just don't change.

I think it aggravates him. But i'm sorry Ter, you're just Funny... i don't know why though.

same thing goes for you Raz, i think you're Terry Bitch No 2. I'll call you Razzy bitch. Hows that?

I laugh at him too.

i'm insane.

But aren't i easy to please? You don't even have to make an effort at making me laugh, plonk yourself in front of me, and i laugh.

So this call was followed by a call from Amin.

Yea, he called, poor guy was looking for his house keys, he was trying to get out of his house to get down to school for bump in for Pentas.

Eventually he found it, he called me an angel, although i don't know what i did. Ah, he's crazy too. in a good way.

We bitched, we shared, we gossiped, and exchanged information, all in the span of like 5 minutes.It's an art. Me- on my bed, him in the taxi on the way to school.

This is common in the lives of people who are pressed for time. I know- been there done that.

Multi-tasking... oh how i long for the days of busy-ness. I like stress sometimes. it keeps me occupied. i love Productions.Its what i love to do, oh how i long to direct.

i'm trying to busify myself again.

With Main Production, SRT, Oh theres a cast party this week end, for the Next Wave people, and theres an audition too... Pentas.. gotta watch that.

Ai karamba... I need to direct!!!!!!!! Oh i got an agenda to prepare- oh wait i already did that.I hate my efficiency.

I'm working on a script, i got as far as the first scene. Waiting for inspiration to strike me.

2006-03-29T03:43:00.000-08:00

Quiet Days then a Phone Call...

So i've not been going to school these past few days, been staying at home, nice change i must say. only i miss the gym, and i'm getting fat!

No worries- thursday, i shall be back with vengeance.

Yesterday i was happily snuggled under my blankets when i was awoken by the irritating ring of my handphone.

It was the Speech Level Singing guy. D.Aniel Sin.Gh.

See 2 seconds after picking up the phone, i'm badgered by him, into telling him why i was interested, and what problems i was facing with my singing, and whether i had any pains in my throat.

So there i was suprised into awakeness.

Then he starts demo-ing singing and etc.

You know, someone singing you awake in the morning, can be quite romantic, but in this case- it was psychotic, at least to a person who sorely needs her sleep. But he was good, so thats consolation. LOL!

He told me about his experiences in the singing field and the various people he's training- big names by the way, and the people HIS teacher is coaching- even BIGGER names- back in Hollywood.

This guy he's being taught by is amazing- 120 grammy award winners are coached by him- he does something called SLS- Speech Level Singing.

It's great, apparently Whoopi Goldberg couldn't sing a note before Sister Act, but after she went to S.eth Riggs, Daniel's Teacher- Voila!

He's the who's who in Holly wood. Even Stevie Wonder is coached by him. One of Hollywood's best kept secrets you could say.

D.aniel listed for me the number of famous singers who have "amazing singing capabilities" who've gone under the knife for doing crazy things with their vocals.

Singers like Christina Aguilera, Mariah Carey, Elton John.
It's crazy!

It's like they can't pull that note, but they do it anyway, and then they ruin their voices. SEVERAL times. No wonder MC don't sound as good as she used to.

So they're sent to Riggs to rehabilitate their voices.

Wow.

So the only reason These people are any good- it's cause of Seth.

And he's coming to Singapore for a workshop. It costs $300 over two days.

I REALLY want to go!

Unfortunately, i have yet to receive my monies.

GOD!!!!!

Any kind guardian angels out there with 300 Singapore dollars to spare?

If i were to go for Vocal lessons with DS as well, it costs like 75 bucks for 1/2 an hour.

I could kill myself.

I want this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really really want this!!!

Call me insane. BUT I WANT !!!!!!

*throws tantrum*

And i have this fear that i really have caused damage to my vocals... Especially after Moon people.

The right side of my vocals won't stop hurting. D said its cause i've been "swallowing". And that causes alot of damage to your vocals.

Losing my voice could be the one tragic thing that could possibly happen to me.

Goodness knows how many times i've had this scare...

I don't want to go for surgery.

And you know after listening to whatever he said, i realise alot of people, i THOUGHT could sing really well- actually can't at all. they're just yelling and straining their voices- some of them la. NOT ALL.

Get this - Use of Diaphragm, proper breathing are By-Products of good singing. Good singing involves a whole other deal- it should be as easy as speaking. So hitting all those high notes should be effortless, and its right! its by doing something called mixing. Its so cool!

By shifting your voice you can achieve this.

And you can increase your range, as well as improve your voice quatlity and understand your voice better.

Haiz...
I probably will be able to finance the lessons myself, but if i ever want to meet s.eth r.iggs or get coached by him personally, i gotta head down to LA.

So let me see, i'll be spending a min of 300 dollars on vocal lessons a month...

Thats just scary.

I need a really well paying job.

Ok- i'm so going to apply for a stable job to finance my training as soon as i graduate.

*Throws more tantrums*

2006-03-27T02:12:00.000-08:00

Rainy Days...

Seem to be back again!

I stayed at home today, for Mum's sake...

So i decided to venture into the kitchen to engage in my favourite activity... when the mood strikes me that is.

Cooking!

The dishes of the day were-

Fillet of Cod (found it in the freezer)

&

Tomato soup noodle.

ANd this is how you make it.

You marinate Cod with vinegar, pepper, salt, and lemon juice and leave it in a pan (greased lightly) and cover to cook in its own juices.This fish is very rich in fat! Dee- LEEE - shooos. That's french for Delicious.

Next, boil four tomatoes, in generous amounts of H2O, add a dash of salt, and pepper, and later fry onions and add once tomatoes have melted. Add herbs if you want to!

Allow stew to boil for about 10 minutes, then add noodles, any kind of noodles will do. Instant or otherwise.

Don't use any other flavouring though.

Voila! Lunch was ready.

And that was what i did to amuse myself while looking after me mummy love.

2006-03-27T00:09:00.000-08:00

THE NEXT WAVE II

Yep, its all over, we watched the two plays, and my goodness, Roses and Hello is really rather well written.

They even had a song about the Discovery process, and yes, it really is as tedious as it was made out to be. WAHAHAHA, that was hilarious! Brilliantly written and composed, another one of my favourite musicals from this series.

You know what the suprising thing is?

That they're actually going to push for our musical to be produced in full length, we received an email from one of the committee members stating so.

oh dear, well its a good thing i guess. I'm a bit tired of being Supreme-ish though. Being a Diva is tough work man.

Projects like these really reveal hidden talents and potential. Wonderful!

I have this itch.

To try new things!

Script Writing!

I don't know how they do it... its bloody difficult to write a good script. Don was giving me suggestions on the way back, on how i could develop my writing.

Hats off to the scriptwriters who took part in The Next Wave... you guys really have patience. When i heard about the process, i was like- wtf!

And for writers like ShaifulBahri, its like he never runs out of ideas... wth.

Direction wise, i'm still looking for a solid story.

Any suggestions?

I'm thinking about re-doing Devdas... Only a re-written script, to make it more concise, and perhaps write our own songs, discard similarities to the film, make it more stageable.

I'm stuck on that story. Can't help it, its captivated me. And i'm still not completely satisfied with the product.

well, we'll see.

I'd like to stage some books... like you know the way film makers make movies based on books.

HAHA. big plans eh?

we'll see...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Current state of being:

At peace.

At first i was confused.
And then i kept, i kept silent.
Alas, i spoke my heart and my mind.
Apart it all seems to have fallen.

Maybe, my heart i should have hardened.
Lonliness i once faced.
Left out, don't know if its on purpose.

If so, what did i do?

Why do you never seem to understand me?
The only answer i want, is whether i matter.
The question i've always been asking,
but you've yet to answer.

2006-03-25T23:10:00.000-08:00

The end of my Mooning Days

Seems as if thats all to Moon people. Atleast i think so.

No more shows and no more backstage hanging out and practicising dance steps and singing.

Many Thanks to all the fellow Moonies who showed up in support of us! Gracie, Bin Mok and Arnold etc.

I think Moon People really has changed alot of things in our lives eh?

Dramatec gained members.

I gained friends.

I gained experiences.

I had the honour of learning from a great director and music composer.

Of being exposed to the industry, in a small but eye-opening way.

There is definetely a lot of talent out there to learn from.

SO MUCH TO LEARN!

In Sonny's words, Moon People definetely has given birth to many things. We discovered great potential in actors like Shahdon, who blew the socks off everyone!

I think it even sparked of many of the actors interest in pursuing theatre seriously.

Next week, we'll be attending an audition. The Supremes that is.

In a couple of hours time i'll be meeting Don and Sonny to watch the last installment of plays tonight. Sonny's such a sweetie! he gave me and Don free tickets to the play!

So tonight it will be Peter and Pierre, and Roses and Hello (NUS Law production).

Very interesting...

C.C Leong will be perforning tonight. Hope he does well! You go Dr. Tan!!!!!

Wow, this musical really changed my poly life man...

We really came away with pleasant experiences from this production.

2006-03-25T10:09:00.000-08:00

Hearts are meant to be broken

Broken Hearts, broken dreams.
Are all i'm left with, now it seems,
the voice that once called out to me.
The handsome face i want to see

What should i do?
How should i feel?

So many words, said to me
sometimes i know that they can't be...

But i chose to live the lies you've made,
every single little thing you said..
I keep close to my heart.

So many things i've said and done for you.
Do they mean a single thing to you?
Why do you keep doing things that hurt me so?

When will this end?
I can't understand.

Weary heart, tired mind
Are what you left me with, everytime
The answers that i'll never find...
The secrets deep down in your mind,
I think...

I give up this time.

so many things i've said and done for you
I doubt they mean a single thing to you...
Why do you keep doing things that hurt me so?

When will this end, I can't understand
People say, love changes everything

_________________________- (couldn't decipher Dhaniah's singing here. sorry!)

And all this time i've waited just for you, My Love.

What should i do?
I think i give up, on you

Yea that's a song from a musical called- "Closer to my heart"

Written By Shaiful and Frederick Lin! Well done guys!, I really want to see it as a full length musical.

Very well written. Duh.

And the cast was well casted too!

Cheers!

** Note- I think these are the accurate lyrics, pardon me if they ain't!, i just like the words is all, and the tune.

2006-03-24T01:38:00.000-08:00

Fast Forward >>>>

It's been what? Over a month?

Feelings of nostalgia rise every now and again. But they're tamped down by practicality.

Feelings of wistfulness rise every now and then, but...

What's lost cannot be regained can it?

Lost trust, lost hope, lost faith.

Loss of friendships.

What triggered it, I don't know.

How can it be repaired?

That too i don't know.

Its like a jigsaw puzzle, when one piece is missing, it can never be whole.

People come, they listen, they lean back and they tell me- "move on babe, it ain't worth i t."

When i want them to tell me- "Fight for it, reclaim what's lost, It can be done!"

Don't believe it when they say giving up is easy. It's the toughest thing anyone can expect you to do.

I feel...

despondent can be one way of putting it.

But after a while, i ask myself, do you really want things as they were?

Do you really hope things can change, that you are really important enough for people to consider changing for you?

you were never important enough before.

Come on Kay, this one isn't even a new chapter, we're giving you a whole new book.

Only.

how would you feel if every single thing that defined you as who you were, your history, your life as a kid, being slowly obliterated?

Here i am at the brink of adult hood, i turn back and instead of seeing happy memories, i see a vast wasteland filled with ruins.

safely i can say, there is no one person who has known me since i was a kid till now, save for my parents and brother.

Yes, of course there are acquaintances...

and there i go again.

what exactly is it that i'm searching for?

Why are my days still dark despite the burning sun?

I used to feel as if i was groping in the dark.

And now it seems, it was not the dark that kept me from seeing.

but the fact that it was me who was blinded from within.

On days like these, when there is no one around, and all there is left is me and my conscience, left to battle it out.

On days like these, i find my self losing a war, that should never have been fought.

Pride, is a sly enemy. It charms you as if it is your greatest ally, and leaves you when you are down and wounded.

It rips away your blind fold when you are at your weakest.Leaving you to see what a fool you have been.

Outside the dawn is breaking,
inside in the dark I'm aching to be free!

Have i been blind?

What did i see that turned me into this?

And then there are times, when questions are asked, whether innocently or not. that feels as if a someone has stabbed my heart with a red hot poker.

Every one has an inferiority complex, over time i guess this blog has revealed exactly what are mine.

Relationships.

Any kind of relationships.

Family, friends etc.

Very few people understand this i guess.

Very few people even know i guess.

Right now all i can do is to treasure the people that are left.

Why did my life in poly have to end this way?

on another note.

To a friend:

I realise that everytime i see you you always turn your eyes away or avoid even looking at me.
I've already apologised for what happened, can you still not forgive me for what happened?
And atleast just say hi?
Is this how you're going to remember me for the rest of your life? i know we've never been close as friends, but i've always regarded you with respect, despite what you think.

Whatever it is, i'm sorry Marcus, once again if i've hurt you in anyway, and to the rest too. Good luck for your Supp Papers.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Sometimes i feel as if i've fallen asleep and i can't wake up from a nightmare.

Haven't i already been punished enough? and repeatedly?

Why do regrets eat me up inside?

Despite knowing that i've not done anything wrong?

Despite knowing that i've really tried my best?

Why do i still feel as if i will never be good enough?

When on earth did i get so fucking poetic?

Bloody shit. Screw it. I really mindfuck myself sometimes.

WELL, hopefully life starts to look up for me on the personal side soon.

Don't you wonder sometimes? What people see when they look at you?

Not that i get affected by it much. So long as i know who its coming from and why.

Why on earth do people judge so much?

What you wear, what you say, what you do...

How do you define normal?

How do you keep everyone happy?

Some say its futile to try.

but i guess the key is trying isn't it?

Atleast you will know.

Where am i going with this?

if only i knew... sigh.

2006-03-23T21:26:00.000-08:00

INSPIRED

Since i'm going to be in a few musicals, i was thinking, maybe, it would be best to start developing my musical voice - (after being inspired by Mr. Shahdon. To give credit where credit is due, HE IS VERY GOOD, watch Closer to your Heart, you can buy your tickets at SISTIC today, $15.00 for students, you get to watch two 45 minute musicals. Our show is this saturday.

Yup. My musical voice, very interesting i tell you, to work on expressing each and every word so clearly, because the songs are part of the story, and you have to express it properly, its not like normal singing in the least.

There are going to be auditions soon that i'm going for, hope i make it through.

So much to do!!!!!!!

very exciting.

My first PAID theatre show, a stint with SRT.

Feels, different. Cause now its no longer just out of interest. you are CONTRACTED to give your talent, and are obliged to perfom under all situations.

Oo la la.

So tmw i've got to head down to Arts House by two p.m., I hope we have a good number of audience.

Recently, everything has been so immersed in the Local arts scene, before i could never be bothered. I always thought that it was just too.... well i guess i wasn't prepared. Now i just hope to get more opportunities to get out there and perform!

The people are so zany and theres so much to learn from them.

Very refreshing.

On the very KNNBCCB side, i have caught the flu. And now i'm panting everytime i sing, cause you know of practicing my projection. And my eyes are swollen.

...

Murphy's law just kicked in i guess, i pray nothing else goes wrong.

Like i lose my voice or something.

That will be TRAGEDY.

pray for me, yo.

Peace out.

2006-03-21T07:15:00.000-08:00

Celebrity Ego Boost

Ok so i went to MX's blog, and because i had plenty of time to kill, i did the test that helps you identify which celebrity you look most like.

I tried multiple photos, ranging from downright ugly mug shots of me to glamour shots, just to you know, be fair and these are the results.

WAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA...... you are welcome to puke or holler in protest.

In random Order, celebrities that most appeared when i submitted photos.

Celebrity no.

1. Emma Watson a.k.a Hermione Granger. (70%)
I remember someone telling me this. Two someones. oh well, but they do say she is goodlooking. hmmmm
I wish.

2. Katie Leung (59%)
no idea who she is.

3. Christina Ricci (71%)
Oh god.Anorexic.

4.Celina Jaitley a.k.a Miss India 2001 ( to see her go here.) (61%)
hrm....

5. Kirsten Kreuk (70%)
Yea i don't believe it myself.

6. Mischa Barton (66%)
Anorexic too.

7. Kiera Knightly (56%)
ooookay.

8.Calista Flockhart (64%)
This is one very funny test, third anorexic babe.

9.Brittany Murphy (67%)
Oh dear.

10. Margret mitchell(64%)
Who the hell is she?

11. Jennifer Love hewitt (63%)
In my DREAMS

12.Hilary Duff (58%)
no comments.

13. Lindsay Lohan (61%)
erm.

14.Kim Catrall (63%)
who?

15.Katie Holmes (62%)
In my DREAMS

16. Beyonce Knowles (57%)
I really really wish.

17. Geri Halliwell (57%)
In my DREAMS

18. Natalie Portman (70 %)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,

yes i do hear the "like fuck" that you're saying. And i agree.

Like fuck. But i do adore her though.

Yes it was a lot of photos that i submitted, the celebrities featured here appreared more than once and what do i say to this test?

Like hell. Just because possibly one inch of my face looks like another woman's doesn't mean i look like her.

I am sure there are violent protests to much of the results, i am sorry if i offended anyone. WAHAHAHAHAHAHA...........

What is up with the teen idols i say? And the anorexic babes?

A couple of guys also appeared on my suitable matches list.

Like Orlando bloom, mel gibson, Zayed Khan, Abishek bachan, Frodo. lol.

Oh well. very entertaining anyhow.

Try it out.

www.myheritage.com

And you know Mx, you DO bear quite a bit of resemblance to Jet li, especially when you flare em nostrils the way he does.. hmmmm.

2006-03-17T07:27:00.000-08:00

Sanjay Leela Bhansali

He has what some people will call the Midas touch. he takes a story, and he makes it almost an art work.

His songs are breath taking numbers.

His sets are grand and opulent.

Magnificent.

Costumes are always perfect, and even hairstyles i believe, makeup even.

Good God, the level of preparation and research he does is inspiring.

He always casts the right people in the right role, in the sense that the role that they play elevates their star potential and almost increases their worth as an actor.

His work is detailed in the most minute way possible, his research is always impeccable, his dialogues are powerful, and such a play on the language, whatever language it is in and the emotions are strong and clear, however subtly portrayed.

He never tarnishes the culture, he only glorifies it. Which is more than i can say for most directors.

The way he carries across messages in the unspoken manner, is brilliant.

This man CREATES classics. He also recreates them.

Black, his latest movie so far, is just brilliant. Its mostly in English and Hindi, and Amitabh Bachan and Rani Mukherjee really shone in their roles.

To date i've always seen Rani cast in such feminine, look-pretty roles.

In this one she plays a disabled person who overcomes difficulties, and continues her education.

In this film she's - OSCAR WORTHY.

She's not even wearing make-up in this film.

Amitabh plays her personal teacher since childhood, his role is just amazing. THAT is what i call acting.

There is little wonder why they call him the GOD of acting.

Sanjay, he doesn't just create films, he creates masterpieces.

The way he films, he puts all his passion into his work, he creates a film and he just lets it run its course without much limitation, if it run to 4 hours plus, let it be, the story will be told in that time, your money will be worth it.

The screen shots are filled with detail at any time, in any single shot.

If there is one thing i have ever wanted, really really wanted, is to someday reach the level he is at.

There is just so so so so much to learn and do.

Look at me, i'm raving. i can't help it, If i ever saw him in person, it would be like finally finding the holy grail or something.

I'll kneel and cry.

LOL!

With SRK- he took him out of the usual clownish + heart throb roles he plays, used his appeal and charm, twisted it into the melancholic tempest that is DEVDAS, and presented him in a completely new light.

AISHWARYA- He alone was able to portray her beauty, her talent , her femininity in the way that it should be portrayed, and after years of trying, she finally arrived with that film.

Amitabh- Instead of the usual fatherly roles he does, he took it and made him a bit eccentric and used his command and strong presence, and made a character that is so compelling.

Rani- he stripped her of her usual glamour and typical star showiness, he played with her girl next door looks, and created something - interesting.If there is a role she will be remembered for, this will be it.

i don't know, people like to say, you should let a character discover their character themselves, that is alright in certain situations. But a director is there to direct, to envision, to be a sort of signboard for the charcters and everything else in the film/ play.

Direct, give directions.

I love directing.

And i love Sanjay Leela Bhansali.

AMEN.

2006-03-16T11:18:00.000-08:00

Relations

I think its rather interesting, when a director says that he alone can understand an actor/actoress and bring out the best in that actor, with good understanding of that actor's abilities, talent, strengths etc.

That was what a favourite director of mine said about one very famous actoress.

very interesting indeed.

I don't think that i've found one particular actoress or actor i alone can claim to bring out the best in.

LOL.

Even if i thought so, the credit will never go to me, such is the pitisome state of the director/SM/ other backstage roles.

Actors can be very egoistical beings.

Some times, i would very much like the actors to take a script back home and to try to understand it, and the characters, have a bit of a literary venture.

And after understandng it, bring out the elements in the script, study the history of the script, discuss stage settings and scenes that would best bring out the nature of the script.

The lighting ideas, the make-up and costume, for the most part is the ideas of the director, who relies on the skills of the various artists he's working with to bring his/her ideas to life, while advising on the artistical aspects of creating.

I am still looking a for a story with depth, with culture and with unexplored surfaces that can be elaborated with theatrical devices.

Still looking.

2006-03-16T01:30:00.000-08:00

" But why is the rum gone?!?”

Capt. Jack Sparrow

I am on a quest today.

Dance rehearsal was cancelled and no gym session has been scheduled, today has been reserved for -

Beauty treatment.

That's right.

I am going to put on a face mask (again).

I am going to rid my nose of blackheads (not that i have any, i hope)

I am trimming my nails and filing them.paint them too maybe.

I am going to do something about my foot problem (Everyone say AMEN!), by means of soaking scrubbing, pumice stoning, filing, etc.

I am going to prune my eyebrows, and shave my legs.

I am going to deep condition, & shampoo, my hair.

I am going to exfoliate my skin.

i am going to moisturise.

Yes.

I am on a mission to glow with beauty.

*Goes all melodramatic*

Oh being beautiful is such hard work.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

..........................

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

But first, i am off to help my mother, she's trying to stand on her head now, and i think she's having trouble coming down again.

Yoga.

Pffft.

2006-03-16T01:25:00.000-08:00

GUESS WHAT.

&

Check this out. THIS is who i am apparentlty.

2006-03-15T08:13:00.000-08:00

BANANA!

So i'm sitting infront of the comp., with a banana mask on my face trying to keep my movements minimal, so that i don't have any banana gunk sliding off my face onto the keyboard.

I'm listening to the soothing vocals of this famous singer my mum likes.

I've got my fave kind of incense burning.

My dad is jabbering about his business deals with the ***.

I'm broke.*JOB!!!!!!!!!*

Life is good.

Been going to the gym. oo la la ~ fitness is a scary addiction.

Pentas is coming, our own main production is.... coming along i guess- i have yet to get myself involved.

I...

am silent for now.

Because i'm tired of problems.

And situations.

I'm just resting.

Just give me that for now.

To those who have expressed concern, you know who you are. THANKS.

The love is appreciated.

But personal problems, are just that. Personal , and while the listening ear and the shoulder to lean on is always appreciated, i believe i've reached the age where i can tackle my own problems.

I have to.

On a lighter note AGM seems to be progressing well, i am proud of the kids.

Good job little people!

i'm kidding.

Don't worry guys its our time, i know our events haven't exactly soared recently, but thing is, the whole school thing got in our way.

We are not event managers, we're performers.

And that is a problem thats being rectified right now.

Organisation of things, management etc.

Times i really hate being a student,

You just begin to feel school gets in the way.

Well with only one module on the platter next sem, its going to full time Drama, i guess.

At the same time i can't help being worried. Loads of things to get done. Toodlez!~

2006-03-14T07:46:00.000-08:00

Yeah Uh
New Blaque
Darckchild,
Darkchizzle

The jump off

Is it true
that I'm the one making you nervous?
Trying real hard as a bound for show press
By you and your crew, that's helpless
You saw that X5, that's me outside
I know you, kinda seem so confused
You can’t understand how my diamonds seem blue
But its cool its true, its unusual
A girl so fly out shining a guy

We can talk about this, lets talk about it
We can talk about this, don't think about it me
on the floor, that's what I came here for
So pump ya breaks it seem as if ya wantin' more

It ain't me,
I’m sorry you got the wrong one

It ain’t me;
I just came out to have fun

It ain’t me,
go and find another one

I don't like what your kickin' son, now leave

Cause even if I leave alone, I’m good

And even if you come along, I’m good

it Don't mean a thing to me cause,
I’m good

With or without you

If you wanna play games with me then, I’m good
Say what you do for me than, I’m good
You don't really mean a thing cause, I’m good
With or without you

[Chorus:]I’m good I’m good without you I’m good I’m good (I'm good)I’m good I’m good without you I’m good

I’m good

2006-03-12T08:03:00.000-08:00

AISHWARYA RAI TRIVIA

Quite interesting.

Wanted to study medicine, but circumstances prevented her.

Miss World 1994.

Runner up, Miss India 1994

Ambassador (spokesperson) for Longines watches since 1999.

Daughter of Vrinda Rai
Sister of Aditya Rai

In April 2003, she suffered an accident on the sets of Khakee (2004) when a car driven by a stuntman got out of control, hit her, took her down a crevice, and slammed her into a cactus plant. She broke a bone in one foot and suffered severe cuts, and she was rushed to a hospital. The incident rekindled the discussion about poor safety standards on Bollywood film sets.

The first Indian actress to be on the jury of the Cannes International Film Festival.

Has made over 50 music videos in only seven years.

Despite the fact that she is adorned with jewelry in her music videos and movies, she is apparently not too fond of it.
Is the highest paid actress in Bollywood.

Created a frenzy at the 2002 Cannes Film Festival when she arrived at the premiere of her film Devdas (2002) in a coach and wearing a beautiful yellow-orange-embroidered sari.

Made her first commercial for Camlin pencils when she was in the 9th grade.

Was the Coca Cola Girl for the Middle East and south Asia.

Favorite subject in college was Zoology.

Has achieved iconic status all over South Asia.

Is featured in the 2004 edition of the Guinness Book of World Records.

In a poll conducted by Hello magazine, she was voted the number-one attractive woman of 2003, beating actresses such as Nicole Kidman, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Gwyneth Paltrow.

In April 2003, L'Oréal signed her as its new international brand ambassador (spokesperson).

The first Bollywood star to appear in Rolling Stone magazine (Issue 932, October 2, 2003)

Gained 20 pounds for Bride & Prejudice (2004) because she didn't want her character to look like a supermodel and also felt that it would add a sense of realism to the character.

Is a Bunt, like fellow actors Shilpa Shetty and Sunil Shetty. The Bunts are a South Indian community who mainly speak Tulu, which is Aishwarya's mother tongue.

Turned down the lead in Munnabhai M.B.B.S. (2003). The role was given to Gracy Singh.

Is fluent in the languages English, Hindi, Kannada, Tamil, and Urdu.

Receives at least two movie offers every day.

After winning the title of Miss World in 1994, the host of the event, Richard Steinmetz, actually asked Aishwarya out. But being a professional, she refused right away.

During the filming of the song 'Dola Re Dola' from the movie Devdas (2002), Aishwarya's ears were bleeding because to the heavy earrings she had to wear, but she continued to perform anyway.

Is a trained classical dancer. She learnt classical dance and music for five years while in her teens.

Has a puppy named Sunshine, which was given to her as a gift by friend Vivek Oberoi.

Won the title of Miss Photogenic in the 1994 Miss World Pageant.

Has won over 50 awards since 1994 when she was 20.

Is good friends with actress Preity Zinta.

Has gained a cult following in Pakistan.

Was listed in Time magazine as one of 100 most influential people in the world (The 2004 TIME 100).

Has over 17,000 Web sites dedicated to her.

In 2004, Aishwarya became the first Bollywood and Indian actress to have her own statue at London's Madame Tussauds museum.

On January 2nd, 2005, she became the first Indian actress to be interviewed on "60 Minutes" (1968).

Member of the jury at the 2003 Cannes Film Festival.

When Oprah Winfrey saw Aishwarya's interview on "60 Minutes" (1968), she was so fascinated by her that she got a hold of Ash and invited her to be a guest on her show. On April 25, 2005, Aishwarya became the first Indian and South Asian actress to be featured on "The Oprah Winfrey Show" (1986).

Turned down the role of Helen in the film Troy (2004).

Director Andy Tennant offered her a part in Hitch (2005), but she turned it down because she was so busy with other films.
Turned down the role of Anna in Barsaat (2005).

In the summer of 2005, Mattel released limited-edition Barbie dolls inspired by Aishwarya and her costumes. They were released only in Britain and sold out within minutes. These dolls are now considered rare collectibles among fans.

Her favourite film is Casablanca.

Was voted number 12 on VH1's 50 Sexiest Actresses of the Last 20 Years. (December 2005)

Roger Ebert has said he considers her the most beautiful actress in the world.

Was voted as E's 7th sexiest celebrity in the world

The first actress from India to get signed on with the American Library Association and also have a poster made of her for schools and library's all across America.

2006-03-12T07:47:00.000-08:00

Aishwarya Rai on American Talk shows:

Oprah:
http://badmash.tv/movies.php?v=Movie83.flv&id1=83

Letterman:

http://badmash.tv/movies.php?v=Movie92.flv&id1=92

60 Minutes:
http://badmash.tv/movies.php?v=Movie84.flv&id1=84

Rather interesting.

2006-03-12T04:45:00.000-08:00

Another Sunday

I was awoken by my dad at 11.30 a.m., amidst Lucky's routine barking- and was told to rise and shine and getting ready to cook our customary sunday lunch.

One of the few meals that we actually sit down and have together as a family. The others being, Saturday dinner, and Sunday Dinner.

Of course me being me, did not wake up as instructed, but proceeded to sleep for another hour or so.

And the day went on with me watching Main Hoon Na, and waiting for the night to fall working on my script idea, then now i'm gonna watch West Side Story.

After which i'll catch Koffee With Karan and Oprah, and maybe Friends reruns.

Bye.

What a lovely Sunday.

2006-03-11T04:51:00.000-08:00

Reminisce

I'm just thinking back on all the past productions that i've had the honour of doing in TP.

1.) Murder Game

Scripted by Sashi, Azizah, Hazelyn, Priya, and ors.

My god what an experience that was. I found it very stressful back then. But you know what it was actually quite famous, there are people who still remember it, people who are not from law.

I learnt alot from that. About directing, about team work, about understanding people, about getting what you want, and doing what it takes to keep the show moving.

Sometimes people may think you're being a bitch, but doing the things necessary for keeping the thing moving, sometimes takes sacrifice of self and self-reputation.

2.) Sing To The Dawn

The show that changed my life forever.

I learnt from a great leader, who showed me much about leading and loving and having passion for this one thing called DT.

This Play was really one of the best. Not because of the acting or whatever, i mean come on, if you think you could do better than show me. But because, alot of love went into it. It carried with it -peace and love. And it was such a simple play, but it was DT's debut. It was a very magical night for us. That group of people really gave their best for that production.

3.) Devdas

This one came 6 months later.

Most people find it to be a production that nearly killed all of us, from time to time i nearly did. It showed me alot about human relationships, both onstage and off. This was the first time when i found quite a bit of things about the people who were in my club, i accepted it and i tried to forgive them and even tried to please them.

But i guess, some people you just can't please. So i just let me be, and say what ever they want.

I just found them too illogical to comprehend. And if theres one thing i can't accept is people who are illogical. It speaks of your ability to reason, rationalise and think.

At the end of it all i was pretty glad it happened, I love the story, it means alot to me.

I'm even thinking of remaking it. Its a great story.

4.) Magus Luna

This was good too, it was just a casual showcasing . No stress, no fights. Well, not much anyway.
Very magical. I liked the whole concept. Minimal directional headache too.

5.) The 8th Sin

This one. No comment.

Lack of time, Lack of preparation. Lack of publicity. Lack of Cooperation from certain parties. What people saw on stage that day was conjured up the night before.

But we discovered a great gem. COSTUME RENTAL!

6.) Upcoming Main Production

This one... I'm in charge, but i'm not directing, i am simply evaluating and helping whereever necessary. Admin work and other necessities. Set & Publicity, make-up, costume etc.

We'll see. I'm sure it will be good. Mostly i'm excited for the Juniors, cause this is their first main production.Other than those who were in Moon People.

7.) Moon People

This was an exciting venture for our school. It was exhilarating. For those of you who didn't catch it, i think you missed out on one of the biggest things our school has ever done. And the camarderie that came along with it? Lets just say its still lasting. I think it changed the whole atmosphere in the school.

So, my life in TP wasn't all that bad, on the arts side, it was actually quite fulfilling. If i offended anyone during anu of the productions, which i'm pretty sure i did. I apologise.

I only did it because sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind. But that doesn't warrant backstabbing. Sometimes the best way to help yourself and the production is simply to cooperate.

Mostly what i learnt is that its not easy to be a leader, not everyone can do it, especially not on their own, and if you dare to pick it up, be sure to watch for those who just want to see you fall.

Besides that, DT has made me who i am in a lot of ways.

*no this is not my speech, fadzley*

2006-03-11T01:34:00.000-08:00

Clean

Yup.

Thats what my living room and kitchen is now.

LOL.

Thanks to my dog-washing venture.

Lucky refused to be brought to the kitchen, so i cleared the hall of everything, pushing furnitures into various rooms and brought a pail of water and dumped it on her.She was strategically next to the door, so there wasn't much damage. I know, insane.

HAH! that taught her.

But it still didn't minimise the whining as i dragged her to the kitchen. It was some kind of a tug of war only with a dog being dragged unsucessfully while holding onto what ever Kitchen chairs and table she could hold onto along the way.

I swear, she acts like shes going to face a firing squad.

And then while the whole act of scrubbing and watering takes place, she strains against the leash, and clenchs her doggy jaws while bulging out her eyes like shes crying or something.

All throughout she maintains this look of utter horror.

Whatever, babe.

After the whole torturous act, during which i got wet from head to foot, i wiped her down, and used a hair dryer to dry her off, and my god, is this one a Prima Donna, she growls if its too warm, so i only can use cold air, and then, i can't wave the dryer around and ruffle her fur. SHE will turn around when she pleases, and no aiming at sensitive areas.

She is so difficult sometimes.

If it were my brother she would have taken off his arm before he approaches her with the dryer, hell, she would have gone for his neck, if he even suggests bathing her.

For the past two days she's been throwing tantrums by not eating her food, growling menacingly at me, everytime i so much as take a sip of water in front of her. I guess her strike against whatever irked her doggy feelings was worn down by her voracious need for food/ Appetite.Maybe she thought i'm getting too fat and thought that by refusing to eat she was trying to tell me something... well, didn't work dumbass.

And she likes to bark in the morning till everyone is up, Starting from 11 am, according to her book of rules, no one should be in bed after that time.

So its not very good news for my insomniac of a DAD, and me- the late night bookworm/ movie buff, the only way to shut her up is to wake up, open your door and glare at her, but as soon as you so much as turn around to head back to bed , she starts up again, and doesn't stop till you brush your teeth and wash your face.

I live with a tyrant.

What ever happened to the DOG doing what the master says?

This is such a dysfunctional relationship.

If anyone goes out, all she does, is sit and watch , occasionally sniff at the crack under the door,till the person returns.
What a one track mind.

And lets not talk about how she takes over your bed if you so much as relent and let her into your room. You give an inch...

As demanding, temperamental, persistent as she can get...its fortunate that my mum relented and let her stay. Although now i suspect my mother actually couldn't do without her presence, the way the two interact.

Oh dear.

Well, this is the dog that makes me believe that dogs have souls and they're all headed to heaven.

Or maybe not. hmmmmm.

Oh i love her anyway.

2006-03-09T10:41:00.000-08:00

LOL.

2006-03-08T22:35:00.000-08:00

Bollywood...

Ok so today i'm headed to school.

1.) To return library books.

2.) Help Neen with her make-up for her prom

3.) Borrow from her- "Main Hoon Na", "Baazigar" and "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai"

Tonight-

I 'm so going to sit down and watch those movies one after the other.

Nobody's going to stop me.

Yes, i'm a Bollywood freak. Sue me.

I'll just file my defence, within 14 days, against you. Hah.

Come to think of it, i'll probably only finish watching those movies TMW Morning. Hmmmm...

Ah that reminds me.

Coming up on our to- do list.

1.) Fishing/ camping at Tampines Lake

2.) Foreign Film Marathon.

- Jap movies
- French movies
- Indian movies

Yup, the works. Anyone is welcome. Its going to be a DT thing. so yea... Your ticket in is a contribution of healthy snack food to appease the Beyoncelites.

3.) Planning "someone"'s send-away

This ought to be fun. HAHAHAHAHAHA..

And to AMIN.

IMISSU too buddy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When are you ever going to be free?

* throws empty cans at him.*

I want VIP ticket to Pentas, i don't care, hmph.

Toodlez

2006-03-08T20:19:00.000-08:00

BEYONCE!

Thats what we now use as our gym war call.

Thinking about giving up on that last 5 Jack knives? BEYONCE!!!!

Don't think you can spend another 5 minutes on the treadmill, unless you want your legs to fall off?

BEYONCE!!!!!!

Think you should reduce the number of weights your working with?

BEYONCE!!!!!

Yes, thats right, Beyonce is the new gym goddess.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday, Pika, Raz, Fadz, Neen, and i hit the gym!

Lol...

It was quite fun actually.

There was the warm up that nearly killed us, conducted by Pika, the merciless trainer.

"You put down your foot, you start from zero again!"

She didn't even spare her boyfriend, Razin.

He collapsed and didn't move for like 5 minutes after the warm-up.

And then we went to the gym...

Over there, While we were happily working out with the various scary looking contraptions, Fadz, sat down at one and looked at him self in the mirror, and started arranging his hair.

And occasionally turning around to ask me questions like- "Kay, Does my hair look better longer?", and once i thought i heard him ask- "Kay, Do i look hot like this?" And then he started flexing his muscles.

...

One lady wanted to use the machine he was on, he waved her off, saying yes, did like one or two, changed machine and continued looking.

-.-"'

LOL.

Funny shit he is.

Razin and i started racing on that stationery bicycle thing, Right now in the race, he's ahead of me, BUT i will catch up !!!! BEYONCE!!

And then Bakar, one of the Estates Staff (I think), came by, and he was making fun of all us, asking how long was this going to last?

Well, for your information, it's going to go on every Alternate day.

BEYONCE!!!!!!.

We've been dancing almost everyday too.

Got a competition on 16th April.

Wish us luck....

Oh and before i go.....

Can you keep up, Baby boy... make me lose my breath... *huffs on the treadmill*

BEYONCE!!!

2006-03-05T08:19:00.000-08:00

OPRAH

She never fails to inspire me.

I'm watching this show on Star World, where she's interviewing the guy called Dave Chappelle, a comedian who walked away from a 50 Million Dollar contract.

Poor guy.

He was actually an actor / scriptwriter in this show called the Chappelle show that apparently did really well in America.

And then one day he walked off the set, and flew off to Africa. And this was after two season successful seasons with the show, and then on the third season he was suddenly given alot of money, and had an immense amount of additional stress poured onto him.

Gossip started flying as the newspapers started publishing that Dave was insane, and he needs psychiatric treatment which was why he flew off to Africa.

So the dude was like... "Who, Who Oprah, in their Right mind, will leave AMERICA..... to go to AFRICA... to seek medical treatment?"

LOL.

He said he could not fathom why, any journalist would listen to that and publish it as a fact. Without considering the implications.

He spoke about his social responsibility as an artist. And that he had a responsibility as a comedian and a black person to not let the black community down.

And he felt that sometimes the people he was working with were laughing at him and not with him. That they didn't get the the real intention behind his jibes and antics, they were just laughing at the crazy things this black guy was doing.

And he also felt that he was put in a place of immense pressure, deliberately, to ensure that he was milked for he's worth. Only now with a huge amount of money attached to it, and people were calling him a "genius". When all this while he's been struggling ans sacrificing this for very little returns.

He spoke about how he left because he was taking a stand, because at one point in the show, people kept forcing him to wear a dress.

At first it was the people on the set, then the directors and then the producers, they just kept forcing him, till they all gave up on him. All the while without giving him the respect required of a main star of the show. They just acted like he should do what they say he should do. So he said, to hell with the 50 Million, i'm walking out.

And so, they called him crazy, they called him paranoid. he admits to being a bit of a conspiracy theorist but he had enough of the the whole feel he got from the attitude he was facing from people. Attitude which was very condescending.

He stated that he had a fellow writer on the show, a white guy he had known since his teens. So Oprah asked him- wasn't he concerned?

To that Dave said- "no, he wasn't."

Reason for that being, this alleged friend of his, never called all the time he was in Africa, Never gave any statements that clarified Dave's status, never stood up for Dave. And the only interaction between them took place when Dave called.

And so Dave came to the conclusion that this friend of his didn'nt care as any person in his situation would.

Some thing that was said in his interview i thought was kind of meaning ful-
" To whom much is given, much is expected."

and also this man struck me as someone who did not compromise his principles and was very mild mannered and respected those around him, and only asked of the same.

Very spiritual guy. He has my respect.. Only he's not going to make it very far in the entertainment industry.

oh well.

2006-03-05T00:42:00.000-08:00

Requests

for prospectuses from various universities have been made.

They should be arriving within a week.

Like finally.Only i'm will not be going this year, most probably in 2008.

I need sometime to complete some things first.What am i applying for?

i'm looking at-

Harvard Divinity school

Oxford Uni- faculty of theology

Aquinas Institute

Dominican University- theology and philosophy

also-Cambridge for law, i might just take up theology there, we'll see how it goes.

2006-03-04T02:26:00.000-08:00

TAINTED FLOWERS

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTY

Or you can call it Goth's throwback to Brokeback Mountain.

I watched it last night at Tampines East CC.

Here are my comments.

Script

For God's Sake, MassB wrote it. Need i say more? It was nothing short of excellent. Dude, you got yourself a fan. *kowtows*.

Direction

Was alright. Not too shabby, but i still feel more could have been done. The actors had a problem when it came to space covering and stage awareness. Some of them looked a tad uncomfortable on stage and looked completely over the audiences heads, maybe they were nervous, because at some points the actors didn't even look at the audience, meaning when they spoke, they only spoke to one another, and only faced one another.No eye contact. We felt ignored man!

The abstract parts seemed a little out of sync and not as fast as it should have been, i'm beginning to see this as a trademark of MassB's plays. Very interesting. Good use of music to tell the story. *stupid faulty system, destroyed the moment at end though* *grumbles*

Also the actors seem to jump from one emotion to another, and some commented something seemed to be lacking from each scene. It didn't build the sort of emotions it should have. For me, as audience, its important for me to be completely absorbed in the story and feeling it to enjoy it,(so much so that i'm not taking mental points of how things can improve- aiyoh i'm so bitchy- forgive me!!!!) but at times i felt uninvolved, i wasn't drawn in. At times, it felt as if the actors were pretending as if they felt that emotion.OOO, one very saddening thing!, i lost quite a few lines, because the actors didn't wait for the audience to stop reacting, so their lines were lost in the laughter, and rowdiness. Poo.

However they redeemed themselves with killer lines, killer slaps and scary tendencies. I soaked it all up.I absolutely loved the turns and twists.

ANd the beginning- totally my kind of thing- Tum Pas Aaye..... Tum Muskuraye... WAHAHA, nice touch.

Lighting

Quite basic, alright actually, but more could have been done to reflect the words on the banner.The cloth also quite see through ah? hehehe. never mind i got the meaning of it anyway. FOUR PILLARS OF THE PLAY.

LOST. LOVE. SCRUTINY. SOCIETY.

Set

Ditto, the comment on Lighting, also, the set was minimal, and the props were brought in by actors. What could have been done to minimise transition periods to bring in furniture and such, would be to segment the stage.And create levels (Think Moon People, my favourite kind of stage) Since the actors seemed to not want to spread out (lol!), But in any case the crew was efficient, and fast in moving and grabbing stuff.

Make-up

Andy, although undeniably good-looking (*drools*) looked a little flat faced, and the rest could have been given
more angles to their faces. From where i sat (second row) i could see their expressions clearly, but i don't know about the back. Amin and Kin (Two of the make-up artists) were saying that some of the faces could have used more work. I say Charlie could have been given more make-up.

The Characters

If you ask me, Charlie seemed more like the main character. I liked him. Yazid has a tendency of REALLY getting into a character. Strangely enough, we, his ardent and supportive fans, did not feel his usual mojo. He only brought the Character to 100 % life at certain points. Not very consistent. But still undeniably good.

Lol! keep on rocking Yaz!

Andy, is a very brave dude.I mean would you cut your hair on stage?But then again he's been meaning to do it. The things people do for the sake of art. Bravo. But at the same time, hmmm something was missing from his acting. But he is good, very natural in his demeanour, but he didn't have the finesse and glow of a leading male, you get this strange sense of mediocrity that BORDERS on immense untapped stage aura Ok , i know some of you are going HUH? what the hell is she talking about? Aiyah, i lazy to explain, you go and re-read and use dictionary. LOL! .No idea why he's holding back. I especially like his interaction with his brother.

JERRY

the bloody miracle man. I love this guy. I think he pulled it off fine, I actually think he has a very improvisational ability about him. Very funny guy. Now he has that glow that screams great stage aura. He looks comfortable onstage

The mum.

Aiyoh so bitchy. Cannot tahan! lol! ok la, she has alot of potential i guess. She has very good command of english.

The MakCik

Abit like crazy ah? lol, but good la, at some points Mastura told me she was afraid she might fall off the stage.LOL! I admire her though, not many people can pull off a MakCik the way she did. Albeit a tad maniacal, however,a necessary comic relief.

Cathy

Classic Hally.

You know who i especially love? come to think of it, i think this Character was one of the most pivotal characters in the story. He caused the story to turn out the way it did.

The Japanese Tourist.

Now this one deserves an academy award. LOL.

Publicity and brochure material and poster designs was good, the reception was efficient and disciplined, *we tried to hoodwink them into letting us in earlier, but they didn't budge- poo*.

Well in theatre, word of mouth is the only good source of reliable publicity, well that, and a twisted arm or strangling here and there, or in cases of desperation, full force and undignified begging.

Above all, i think it is important for student organisations to support one another, to better one another, and to work hand in hand, YCP is an excellent example of Youth Initiative. Not many people would have the guts to go ahead and do something like this. Of course i critiqued, but this is how we all learn, amen? No offense intended.To pour nothing but praises would not be sincere. There is afterall no such thing as a perfect production, there is always room for improvement. BUT an excellent job,on the whole.Hope to see more coming from you guys cause we are definitely eager to watch. And i hope the next time round you do EVEN better. Sky's the limit. All the best YCP.

Keep telling the artist's truth- that you'll find your freedom, because love is beautiful. Peace Out.

2006-03-02T21:36:00.000-08:00

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU

So no one told you life was gonna be this way [four claps]
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, but

CHORUS

I'll be there for you(When the rain starts to pour)
I'll be there for you(Like I've been there before)
I'll be there for you('Cause you're there for me too)
You're still in bed at ten and work began at eight
You've burned your breakfast so far, things are going great
Your mother warned you there'd be days like these
But she didn't tell when the world has brought you down to your knees

CHORUS

No one could ever know me, no one could ever see me
Seems you're the only one who knows what it's like to be me
Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with
Someone I'll always laugh with
Even at my worst, I'm best with you
Yeah!
It's like you're always stuck in second gear
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, but

____________________________________________________________________

2006-03-02T03:02:00.000-08:00

Talent

That was today's theme i guess.

That, and Red and white.

LOL!

We were on the great job hunt!

And what did we do.

Well we converged at 11 am plus plus today morning, (it was supposed to be 10.30 am, but thanks to the "Janji melayu" timing of someone, it was alot later) *glowers at a certained big haired indian-malay boy* ahem.

And there was breakfast at LJS.

Followed by scanning through the classified.

This was followed by calls to the shortlisted places of employment to arrange appointments with them.

And here i am at the end of the day, having signed on with a modelling agency, being shortlisted by a music recording company and several job applications.

Mind-boggling

A lesser person than myself would have crumbled at the mere thought of signing on. I mean, you should have looked at the shots / call cards they had at the studio.

Petrifyingly gorgeous.

I don't know how i got cajolled into it and i will tackle anybody who dares to laugh.

The music record company however is a whole new ball game, the person auditioning thought i had a good voice and that Fadzley has potential.

The days in my life seem to be getting more interesting.

Well, time to give my dog a shower. eeks.

You know everytime i say the word bath she goes into a rampage. Smelly doggy.

Oh LUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY...

*goes off to grab dog towel and brush*

Next week, we have free haircut appointments.

Bwahahahhahahhahahhaa.

2006-03-01T07:01:00.000-08:00

Tootsie & Terrorism

Tootsie speaks

Today, as i was ruffling amongst the discarded card board boxes where me
and my siblings dwell with our mother, several young humans suddenly appeared
and started clucking at me. I was curious so i ventured closer, the nice humans
looked friendly, so i let them pat me. The big, pink one seemed a little wary of
me. After a while they went into the crazy man's room, and left their
shoes at the door. They smelt nice. In particular the big white ones, it had a
strong fishy smell that made me hungry. I waited just in case they decided
to come back out and pat me some more, there was an itch behind my ears that
could use a good rubbing. The small human seemed to like me too.

They seemed to be taking a long while in there, so i went back to our big
human sitting thing and lay to sleep...

It seemed as if i had just shut my lids and started chasing butterflies in
a field when i was rudely awakened by the crazy man.

TIME TO FLEE!!!

Unfortunately mummy wasn't around to give him a nip where he needed.

Next thing i knew, the short human had me, and i was trapped in a
box.

I thought i caught a whiff of mummy, but the next thing i knew i was in a
small moving thing with the humans and they kept shouting and laughing.

Which was when i heard Mufasa!!!, which made me want to growl and tear out
of the box, to face the enemy who had callously yelled out the sacred war call.
When i remembered that i can barely mew, and probably wouldn't stand a
chance against 6 big humans, the pink one didn't seem too fond of me, i
wouldn't put it past her to to subject me to torture. I believe it was her
who declared Mufasa. Meeeeeeew.

Well that was that, when we came out again, they started calling me
Tootsie, that seem to make the big haired brown human rather happy. Fantastic.
Tootsie what a name, Could n't they have called me something a tad bit more
regal and befitting to my royal descent?

If this had been Egypt it would have been different story.

Well, after that i can't be bothered with details, the crazy humans kept
squealing and flashing strange lights at me and squealing some more. I swear,
these things are rather easily excitable. Wait till they see me dissect my first
kill... now thats something to celebrate. Not my various sleeping
positions.

The tall black one kept rubbing noses, well it seemed like it, with the short human, and they keep asking me to refer to them as mummy and daddy. Crazy Humans.

The pink one seems to have taken to me, i don't know if i should be
happy.

Stupid humans.

I heard the short girl mention something about "bath", the pink one seemed
quite happy to hear that,now that doesn't bode too well, oh well so long as it
has nothing to do with water...

And THAT is what i imagine what could have been possibly been running thru Tootsie's mind when being "adopted".

Who is Tootsie?

Pika's new kitten.

Eurgh.

Oh well...

Today was spent visiting art exhibitions.

Very interesting takes on terrorism.

Although the view is a tad superficial.

Very interesting approach to art, but nothing mind boggling.

Atleast not to me.

We viewed I M BREATHER Pt I & II.

The artist had created works that were a throwback to famous works by artists like Picasso and Da Vinci, only with Singaporean political insinuations. Rather interesting, his works also include video works, and we even visited his studio where he showed us his interactive exhibition, which allows visitors to dress up in Diapers and become part of the art piece, and he'll take a picture and it becomes part of the work.

His works exhibit the contradiction that the war against terror exhibits.

Oh well in Angels & Demons, Dan brown's book, it says- Genius accepts Genius unconditionally.Or something to that effect.

Same goes for Talent.

There is so much deeper meaning to his works that question Singaporean Bureaucracy, and terrorism as a whole.

If you think about it theres alot of meaning to it, but thats the thing- you come up with the meaning, if you ask me, the artist himself wasn't able to express himself verbally and explain his works. I suppose thats why he is an artist, the work speaks for itself, you see what you see.

We made friends with the artists, exchanged numbers and invited them to our year end production.

He's jeremy hiah, and he was featured in the news paper recently, if you wanna check it out you gotta make an appointment.

And that was that for today- this thing was followed by ardent discussion of our "trip" Razin will be driving I pray for our preservation.

No offense, Bro.

LOL!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

As a side note:

I AM BROKE!!!

Will sing for money.

Or you can pay me to stop singing.

Works both ways.

Don't need batteries.

2006-02-27T09:38:00.000-08:00

While walking back to Mainland:

Raz: hey Kay, you know when S. Rajaratnam died,

Kay: Uh-huh (getting interested)

Razin: YOu think those flags were put at half-mast (points at flag somewhere behind me)

Kay: (turns to look and sees..... SENTOSA flags)

Kay: (proceeds to kill Razin)

Pika- at MacDonalds after seeing a bikini worth $200 that she just HAD to buy.

Kay: when's your Birthday?

Pika: TOO FAR AWAY...............

2006-02-27T08:43:00.000-08:00

Life in general

Has been happening on its own.

Without any provocation from me.

Plans, solid plans have been laid down.

Exciting plans.

You can also call them tedious.

But that would only be so to the uncreative in mind, body and soul.

I pushed myself.

Pushed myself to limits that i've not touched for a very long time.

And because i pushed too hard i fainted.

On a stone bench.

under a tree.

Thank God i had the presence of mind to get to the bench before passing out.

Lol.

And i was out for like 10-15 minutes.

I awoke giddily to see stars winking innocently back at me.

And passers-by giving me strange looks.

Oh well.

It happens.

You can be sure i'll be doing plenty of that for a long time to come.That is until... i get what i want.

Suddenly& and also quite lately ( in the past 6 months or so) it seems i am more determined to get what i want than ever before.

Today.

Was spent in the wonderful company of Fadzley, Fri, Bull, Magg, Mas, Pika and raz.

We were in Fort Silso beach.

You can call it a day in the unforgiving Singaporean sun.

With frequent dumpings of people in the sea and loads of guitar playing and singing.

Fri has a heart melting voice, that is just tingle-inducing. The way he curls around notes and trails and runs.

Oh MY Gosh- i have Goosebumps.

All in all. Beautiful voice man.

Bull, is a TP rugby player who has a striking similarity to the Rock, and has very interesting eyebrows.

I wonder if he shaves them.. must ask him the next time i see him.

Magg has hair that is comparable to my locks of yesteryear, when i had curls.

I like them.

They're fun and so---- malleable.

Adaptable, i mean.

Mas .. was insanely high, as usual.

Pika was crying over a bikini she can't buy. As of yet at least.

Plans....

very interesting plans.

One of which include me, solely in the company of people i never expected myself in the company of for Two WHOLE months, touring through 14 states in India.

Another includes me in the company of people i totally am happy to be in the company of, touring through 4 states in Malaysia.

The plans are pretty confirmed actually. All we have to do is to plan our travel route, and accommodations, food etc, the number of people going, once we exclude the expected drop-outs, we should have a steady estimate.

One of the states, we're just passing through, so we'll be staying with a friend's family, for the period that we're there, wahaha, sampling nenek-jump-over-the-wall eh Fadz?

Gross man.

Cool.

I'm actually Backpacking like i planned to.

Even if it is short bursts of backpacking.

Next one in mind, is Thailand, followed by China, INDIA then, maybe Phillipines, Indonesia, PNG, Australia, America, EUROPE?

wow.

Coool.

But this is a good start, i so forsee a whole BEACH thing, only without the Beach, you know backpacking and all.I hope i don't see any dead bodies the way Richard did in the Beach. Even if he leaves me a map to a beautiful island resort.

Oh,We're keeping travel diaries too.

YOu know for fond memories of the places we visited, besides the photos.

For the sake of all the travelling i shall be doing, i plan to invest in a Digi cam, as well as a Blackeberry (if i can afford it), and... an iPod.

I know, i have succumbed to the lures of technology.

Not that i haven't already, i mean the fact that i am using the computer.

Anyway- what am i Amish?

That came from Eric in Grey's Anatomy.

Speaking of which, Dr. Shepard is such a twat.count on men to be so Polygamous and of course he'll have a handy excuse like, "it wasn't working out.", "we're getting a divorce", oh whatever. She's still your wife.

And you STILL slept with her.YOu know, HER, that girl the shows named after. Oh you know i actually don't know the actual name of the lead character. I keep missing it. They say it too fast, these Americans.Tstch.

This is exactly why i do not believe in this sham called marriage. to all of you who have bought into the con. Well... HAHA.You're not going to make it you stupid HomoSapien, simply because you do not have the ability to, and you'll be begging for death to come swiftly, before you know it.

Or you'll get a divorce and spend the rest of your life paying lawyers fees and fighting with your ex-spouse overwho has to pay for Twinky's Contact lense solution, since it was'nt stated in any affidavit.Or something.

For me, it's just going to be me, chocolate, my dog, and the world of travels.

Oh wait...

i've gone off topic.

Anyway, I am buying an iPod.
From where will i be acquiring the moolah to make the purchase of mentioned items?

Well from a newly acquired job in a antique selling cafe in Dhoby Ghaut of course.

I needed something flexible and with a high pay. so... Waitressing it is.

Good plans i must say.

Travelling-One in October and the other next year in May and June.

one production in june this year, and one in April this year, and March.

Wow i am actually booked for the next two years.I'm actually looking forward to it.

Plus the fact that plans for Verdigris is being considered.

I plan to head to the U next year. To pursue law.

I like my life. For now atleast.

As much as i could like it despite knowing certain facts.

Like someone i love is actually dying.

Heh.

Never expected that one did you?

Well shit like that has a tendency of happening, Its how you deal with it.

I'm dealing.

Back to today...

We packed up and left the beach and out of Spotaneity landed ourselves in front of the magical musical fountain, which put a Disneyland worthy show.

I didn't know Sentosa had a show like that. It was beautiful.

the lights display was breathtaking.

Sentosa is very beautiful in the night you know.

Great..

now i'm off to research on hotels and eating places and budget travelling. Wish me luck....

2006-02-25T03:56:00.000-08:00

25th February 1915

22nd February 2006

Mr Sinnathamby Rajaratnam

Minister for Culture
3 June 1959 - 9 August 1965

Minister for Foreign Affairs
9 August 1965 - 1 June 1980

Minister for Labour
1968 - 1971

2nd Deputy Prime Minister
1980 - 1985

Senior Minister
1985 - 1988

Place of Birth
Sri Lanka

Wife
Piroska

2006-02-25T03:51:00.000-08:00

Where The Mind is Without Fear

by Rabindranath Tagore

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls
Where words come out from the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by thee
Into ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake

2006-02-25T02:33:00.000-08:00

Funerals & best friends...

I just came back from a funeral. Not just any funeral, S. Rajaratnam's funeral.

It was absolutely beautiful. I mean it.

I have never been to any other funerals before this, the basis of that being, i just shouldn't go. This basis being created by my parents of course.

Go figure.

So let me tell you what happened.

First we watched the entire Esplanade Concert Hall fill in with Important guests, all dressed impeccably in white. All with a black ribbon pinned to their shirts. Incidentally i still have mine on. lol.

I was seated directly above Our MM, PM, President and other Ministers. It was like barely 2-3 metres away from them. I could see how shiny our MM's head was. lol. and wow, he has really aged, he looks so... transparent would be an apt way of describing him.

The whole procession began with Mr S. Rajaratnam's body arriving in an army - i'm going to call it vehicle since i forgot the term for it.He was coming all the way from Parliament, they had sealed off the roads for this purpose. His grieving family filed in from a an entrance closest to the stage.I believe his Grandchildren and sons/ daughters were in that crowd.

An indian man, who i later found out is his cousin, came on stage with a guard and placed his picture on a transparent photo holder.

They placed his casket in the middle of the stage. The state flag covered it. This was followed by an indian lamp being brought in and placed at the head of the casket.

The army band was playing this really slow and beautiful song. It reminded me of something from Lord of The rings.

And then, the eulogies began, first was our PM. Who described Mr. Raja as a man who brought great changes to our country and one whom must be remembered by the younger generation. He described his various interactions with him as a family friend and as a fellow colleague in the millitary.

All the while i sat and watched our MM, it was fascinating. Here was the man who built this contry i called home, sitting within such close proximity. I was enthralled.

I watched the way he popped pills, and had water brought to him. the way he sat. the way he unblinkingly looked at the stage, never giving away anything. i truly admire such inner self control. Like totally man, if one of my best friends had passed away, i'd be ... well i don't exactly know... but i wouldn't be that calm.

Next up was MM himself. He came onto stage and he began real slow. He addressed those in attendance, as if he was in no rush of acknowledging them. This was a man, who took his time. And people damn well better wait for him. His gravelly and powerful voice, was suprising really nice to listen to, and he definetely had the attention of everyone in there.

He spoke of how he knew Mr Raja, as a man, who had incredible wit, and a sharp and logical mind. He also spoke of his failings, as well as how he got to know him, and become such good friends with him. How he had such untiring spirit and kept going on, even though he, Mr.Lee Kuan Yew was tired. He spoke of Mr Raja's illness and how in one visit he could not recognise him. this man, who was once so warm hearted, and good, that even his jibes at his opponents would make the victims smile and agree. This man, who now lays dead to the world.

His Vision of a Singapore that was united beyond all measure. Where racism and racial discrimaination would fade into obscurity. And how he wrote the National Pledge, and now everyday, children in schools everywhere lived his aspirations. Which was when MM broke down, and left the stage. He finally let his grief of losing his friend show.

He walked off stage as the rest of the audience watched with bated breath. He clacked down the steps, and slumped back into his chair.

And then i watched, as not far from where i sat, his wife reached out and grasped his hand as a move of love.

It was a moving moment.

i had just witnessed a very intimate aspect of a great leader's life.

Which was when i realised that i had a very judgemental view on him. that because he was a leader, he had no feelings, that he would be strong and not break down. that he was the fierce tiger i always imagined him to be and not the gentle old man i saw crying for his friend's passing.

That all he was, was a person with great ideas and vision and very much infallible.

This must be how most people view him.

In that moment when i looked down into his life, and him.

I saw what he went through with his team of politicians to achieve for this country, and besides creating a nation, how he had amassed a life filled with people who meant much to him despite doing what he had to do.

I also understood the immense pride he must feel when opens his curtains everyday and looks out into a city that was built on his dreams and vision.

I look at him and i wonder, how on earth does he do it? How did he get done what he did?

This definetely is someone i can learn from.

Suddenly, there is so much i feel i don't understand, and so much i feel that i finally understand.

Maybe, i found a role model.

This was followed by eulogies from Prof. Tommy Koh, and A relative of Mr. S. rajanathan's.

We had a minute of silence when the light went low and then, a bugle player apperaed in spotlight and started playing a funeral song. Beautiful.

We said the pledge. I finally understand the significance of the words behind it. It was written by a man who trully longed for the nation to be one. Beyond all racial difference.And everyday, we pledge ourselves to be one.

The casket was then eventually removed and the service ended.

Wow.

i wished i had gotten to know about Mr. S. RajaRatnam earlier. Well whereever you are sir, I hope you rest in peace.

---------------------------.................................------------------------------..............................

on another note, this may very well be the last public blog post. I'm going into private practice. wahaha.

You will require a password to access this blog from whenever on.

When ever being when i figure out how to pass word the blog. proffessional help may be required.

Lol.

That's ok, i know plenty of computer nerds.

Ta, to all in the online world.

2006-02-22T04:28:00.000-08:00

Took me a while, but i'm finally here
I just wanna testify, make it crystal clear
(Take Ya Time)
See I've been picked out, to be picked on
Talked about out my friend's mouth
I've been beat down, til' he turned my life around
(Turned my life around)

it Seems like I always fall short of being worthy
Cuz I ain't good enough, but he still loves me (Yeah)
I ain't no superstar, spotlight ain't shinin' on me (No, No, No, No, No)
Cuz I ain't good enough,(no) but he still loves me
Loves Me!)

I used to, wake up somedays, and wished I had stayed
I went to bed on top of the world, today the world is on top of me
everybody's got opinions (They Share)
ain't been in my position (They Don't Care)
And it breaks my heart when I hear what they have to say about me
(What they say about you)

I'm not perfect

yes i do wrong

i'm trying my best.

but i just ain't good enough.

get it?

2006-02-20T12:02:00.000-08:00

Some one asked me if i even had any true friends sometime earlier this week. You know the kind, who'd be concerned and stick by you through thick and thin?

For the longest moment, i was stuck without an answer to that question.

Halfway across the canteen sat a friend who i thought, once upon a time i could call true.

My mind started drifting, and then suddenly, laughter.

Laughter from that friend.

Who sat far away from me.

Very far.

That broke my reverie.I pointed.

At Fadzley.

The only other person i could think of? Well, Amin.

I remember another friend.

One who promised, under a void deck in Simei, a couple of years ago that he will never leave me even if i left him.

Yeah, him.

I remember him.

What, does everyone you love leave you or something? First your family, then your friends..

it was a joke.

It was just something that was said without any hidden agenda behind it.

But it hurt.

Damn it hurt.

But i'm happy.

I'm really happy.

I have everything.

I don't need anything else.

I don't need anyone.

I'm thankful for the friends that i had, people who were there for a season, but sometimes, i just wonder if we're really even friends.

If there really was once upon a time that we did hang out.

Or was that all a dream?

Haha, yea i guess it is true, i have a knack of letting people down and driving them away.

Is this self -pity?

I've never asked for much, just someone to listen to me, and maybe to offer just even a little care? Someone to whom, things that matter to me would matter to them as well?
To be there? No matter what, to whom i could say things without them thinking i'm attention-seeking or dramatic, to be someone i could cry in front of?

I got that through Amin, and 6 years of built up pain came tumbling down.

You have no idea how grateful i am.

This is pathetic.

I read through my old blog, and i sound like a little eager puppy, oh don't ignore me, love me someone please! Be my friend!

Lapped up every scrap that was thrown my way.

Not to offend anyone.

But I'm glad my poly life is over.

I've come out a much stronger and wiser person.

Stronger, so that i can carry more burdens, and wiser so that i now know, that i've always been surrounded by hypocrites, and self-serving shits, who wouldn't think twice before stepping on you, and then smile at you when everything is over and go "oh but that was work". even when you went out of your way to care for them.

I'm happy.

.

2006-02-20T08:46:00.000-08:00

A very old dream of mine might just come true.

I hate the exams. I don't know why i'm sabotaging myself by not studying properly.

I feel sick. It just hurts like crap. I don't know if should say anything.

My whole arm just cramped up. shit.

Oh well, maybe it wouldn't be so bad if i died.

lol.

I'm such a morbid shit.

God save my soul.

2006-02-19T22:15:00.000-08:00

Frank Williams Abagnale jr.

You could say he's one of the most brilliant 17 year olds on that side of the planet.

Or, you could say he's a very daring and moral-lacking person.

Or, just maybe he was teen who lived in a time that was so naive, where the right clothes and demeanour could get you anything and he was just having the time of his life, not knowing what he was doing is wrong.

He could be all that.

To me, he's just a very upset kid.

Who once believed that his father could do anything, that his parents marriage was like a fantasy and someday he wanted all that. The dream home, the dream car. Dream marriage.

That all came tumbling down when the IRS got his dad for tax evasion and his mother left his dad.

It was unfair.

He must have been pretty determined to get life to be the way it was.

Pretty desperate, for the love he once had.

So he lived on determination and lies for a really long time.

Then theres the thrill of the chase.

Being a teen, this kind of excitment doesn't come by everyday.

Its adrenaline.

The way he changes the topic with cheery gusto while being confronted, or the way he just takes a moment to turn into someone else, the way his desperation makes him latch on to a bargain of truth.

At times he manipulated people's weaknesses, to turn into someone the person wanted him to be, just so he could be their hero. Like for Brenda.

The fact that he has had so many disappointments in his life, leads him to not believing anyone else. The same fact that makes it so easy for him to create lies, cause he's had enough of being hurt.

The desperation that makes you lap up information, alert and on your feet at all times.

Sometimes i guess he had to go on because although he's already drained, he has to keep going so that he doesn't get caught, even though the reason he was doing all these things for no longer existed.

Like the hope of his parents getting back together.

Sometimes being some one else, distracted him from the real reason he ran away.

When he told his dad to stop him, he was sick and tired of being the one who cared about setting things right.

He wished his dad could be who he used to be, confident and able to do anything! be the hero, and not crying and broken.

so many reasons, so many lies, so many delusions.

I understand it all, i get his reasons.

He was just looking for some one who understood him, and for someone who cared about things as much as he did.

He kept reaching out to his dad, full of hope of a new future, if only his dad tried.

But yet...

the only person who cared enough about him was Carl Handratty, who cared to stop him.

Who tried to understand him.

Who reached back because it was his job, but along the way the reason became- because he cared.

I used to be that kid who was full of hope that things could change only if you dared enough to do something about it.

I understand Frank.

2006-02-18T23:59:00.001-08:00

Opportunities

SRT

They called again a couple of days back.

third time.

Wow. Now thats what i call persistent.

Anyways seems like they really want me.

They're gonna refer to DL to help me decide my commitments.

Gulp.

Moon People

Yep, we're doing it again at the Arts House!

A 45 Minute version for a project called Five foot broadway I think.

I miss the original cast though.

no fun sia...

SI

i made it through.

Yipee.

Scary thing is, all the projects are under one person..

A certain Singapore Idol Judge, who very well known in the theatre scene.

*Gulps *

so cool.

2006-02-18T23:59:00.000-08:00

I have a beehive in my home.

To be exact its in the kitchen.

They've been moving in all morning.

My mother never ceases to amaze me...

I awoke and lumbered towards the kitchen, when i caught sight of her with her hair flying in all directions standing amidst what looked like huge flies.

She was busy tying an earthen pot somewhere close to the cabinet they had chosen as their Domicile of Choice, in hopes that they'll migrate.

Apparently, a messenger had announced arrival of the swarm earlier that morning by landing on my mother's hand while she was busy chopping vegetables that morning.

Before she knew it, they were moving in.

Frankly i'm not suprised.

The strangest things have a knack of happening to my mother, and come to think of it, to me as well.

She has always had a penchant for growing things, looking after things... well except my dog, reason being- she demands too much.

Oh well. they do seem to get along exceptionally well lately.

Too well maybe. hmmmm.

my mother could toss a couple of seeds in a pot of soil and within a week you would see sprouts starting to show without her even trying.

If she created a garden, the blooms would be the biggest you would ever see.

Sort of a indian version of To Kill A Mockingbirds' Miss Maudie Atkinson.

Nature is her element. Ask her a cure for anything, she'd probably have it. Or could get it for you.

Now bees, thats something.

As expected she knows alot about them.

She was explaining their behaviour and that they probably wouldn't sting, and maybe in time, we might have to get them to move to another place.

Then it struck me that she was talking long term.

We're keeping the bees!

well Thats what i thought until she crossly smacked me across the head and informed me that we're not KEEPing the bees, they belong to themselves, and that they're part of nature, they chose us, and we should respect that.

yada yada....

hmmm, lets see what else happens.

2006-02-16T09:10:00.000-08:00

Alls well that ends well.

Firstly, let me say that everything has worked out fine.

Lol.

The boys had a talk with law and Management's Mr. Hafeez. Admittedly, initially he seemed ready to kill. However after settling everything, he took my hand and apologised in true Feez fashion.

You won't believe what the boys had to say about him-

1. They respected him

2. They wished they had gotten to know him under other circumstances.

3. They think he's a great guy.

4. He somehow feels like a brother to them.

& Marcus wasn't as horrible as they imagined him to be,

well, in all truth they're both great guys and both hot and cold when the mood strikes them.

coincidentally, just as i was about to msg Feez about the day's events, i received a msg from him first apologising
for everything.

Classic feez.

Oh well, in the end he gave me call and we talked things out.

From that i realised how fallible human perception can be.

Well, its all over and done with aye?

I still stick with what i say- " No matter what you'll always be my friend la"

Speaking of friends....

____________________________________________________

Of Bootlickers and Backstabbers.

Me and the boys had a frank discussion about everything under the sun today, while studying.

1. We discussed the concept of friends.

Although i've known, Fadz, raz and yaz and pika, and jyuneen for such a short period of time, these young people have found a permanent parking space in my heart.

In particular Fadzley, we're alike, theres no denying that.Lol.

And for them, i'll do anything.

Maybe its their enthusiasm, maybe its their unhesitating nature, or the simple reliance on their heart. their boundless energy,their innocence and their honesty. maybe its all of those.

Lets not forget sincerity.

I just find it amazing, that SOME people, who once upon a time claimed to have a problem with a certain group of people, suddenly claim to have best friends from there. I still remember all the heart pain caused to me, all the hurt, and suddenly just like that my god what a turn!

Listen up, i don't buy it.

And now the jig is up, all this while you've been playing all of us, hiding and sneaking around, trying to spread poison about me, and about others.

This penchant for discord is about to land you in deep shit if you're not careful.

Don't try to lick the boots of those, who do not own boots.

I might just kick you in the face.

For now, we're going to let things go.

I know what you've been saying, i know almost everything you've been saying. For now,you've got some people fooled.

But guess what?

You tripped and you revealed yourself, for the snake you really are. And unfortunately for you, friendship binds us this time round.

So screw you.

At the very least, even if i maybe rude, i care about people, i'm sincere and i genuinely love my friends.

I'm honest.

And i hate back stabbers and hypocrites.

Don't make me hate you.

You better be careful with what you say from now on.

Big sisters' watching.

lol.

2006-02-12T22:47:00.000-08:00

I apologise.

Firstly to Marcus.

I'm sorry if i didn't live up to your expectations. I'm sorry that Fadz actually said that on his blog, but he meant that to be directed towards the audience, and he was just feeling anger and that their efforts were not appreciated. i ask that you forgive him.

and me, if you feel that i have done you any wrong.About the tag, i was jokin arnd with Fadz, but i was a lil miffed about the whole lack of response thing.

Secondly to Awi,

i didn't know you felt that way. I was just in my stage manager mode rushing around getting things together, and when your band did not go on, i got agitated. I yelled, but i didn't mean anything by it. I'm sorry. I saw you at Orchard and i actually wanted to apologise to you then, but you walked away before i could call you. I was sprawled on the floor in the queue by the way. Please ask your band to forgive me. Thank you.

Thirdly to Azi,

I knew that you cared, and my tone came out wrong when i responded to your questions, and you snapped back. I'm sorry about that.

Fourthly, to the Prom Programme Committee

I apologise to the attitude given during prom meetings, but i couldn't understand the time wasted during the meetings, spent joking around. I should have been less uptight. Sorry.

I couldn't understand the fact that no one was listening when it was time to listen and yet, when asked, everybody claimed to have not been told, or heard something else.

I should have done something about that. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry if i let down the trust MX had in me. I'm sorry if any of my DT members offended you guys, they spoke rashly, please forgive them. Razin did not mean what he said. I apologise on his behalf.

Lastly,

Bertram and Anand, about the nine am meeting thing, i thought MX will be there with you guys, i'm sorry about that, but i really couldn't leave the house. My dress was a wreck. I had to get a new one. Which was why i was late in meeting Naz, cause i had to put together a new outfit right before meeting you. I told you that, and i know you understand now. I'm sorry about your hair too. Also, i'm sorry you guys left the school without collecting anything, cos, I had to explain to my SDO why there was a sudden involvement of DT in our prom which was external, and in the end you guys couldn't even collect the projector, cos the lecturer in charge forgot to book it. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry the presentation didn't work out, after marcus, naz and nad and azi put so much effort into it, we should have tried it out before hand.

I understand that you guys see me the core in the mess of everything, and i will understand if you don't want to forgive me.

I'm sorry if my behaviour that night was offensive in anyway, and i understand if you wanna make me the cause of the Prom's failure. Because i was the Prog i/c and i shd have done something about it.

I'm sorry that it seemed like some kind of a DT performance, becos, i had to work with wat i had and DT is wat i had. If it wasn't wat you guys wanted. I'm sorry.

Basically i'm sorry.
ok...

Alot of people hate me now, buty i don't know why. they blame me for alot of things.

But somebody please tell me why, suddenly every word that came out of my mouth, every action and every non-action, is suddenly the wrong thing to do?

You could say it's wrong for me to exist i guess.

But it amazes me that every single thing was misconstrued.

i guess it must be because nobody really knows me the way i thought they knew me.
I guess it was because i thought i had friends. But i didn't.

And then i didn't realise that there are friends who are closer to others.

And i thought that by keeping in all the problems i was facing, i was helping.

i guess i should have just complained more. But i didn't know how to.

I guess shd have cried. but i didn't know who to.

lol.

interesting.

Sorry.

2006-02-12T19:50:00.000-08:00

So, is everybody pissed off with Kay now?

everybody hates her guts for wat she tagged on Fadz tag board?

If i offended anyone, i'm sorry, but i'm entitled to my opinion.

If you think i'm a shit hole, go ahead. I do care. I won't say i don't.

Because individually you guys are all friends to me. And still are.

But collectively, lets face it, everything went wrong. The law cohort could not have been any more unresponsive. maybe it was the worng choice of performances, but didn't you guys ask for it? Didn't you guys ask for a band?

I am speaking from a performer's perspective, but it sucks when no one cares when you perform, especially when you've been invited.

If you guys want to scold me, go ahead. do it to my face.

Lets cut this crap online ok? Maybe i shdn't have tagged wat i tagged.

But i did, and i stand by it. I apologise for it. I spoke on impulse, i spoke in anger.

The best part was that prom was suppposed to bring everyone together.

I don't appreciate comments made against Fadz, cos he's like my brother.

Of course i'll support him and say things to make him feel better.

Becos he's fadzley. He's really important to me.

You may not know this, and i don't care if you don't.

He's ent itled to hios opinon to as a performer.

Awi dissed us too ok. and he's from Law.

Fadz is important to me.

And on the same level, so is everyone else who I call friends.

If i still have friends that is.

You have a nice life too.

this is the first time you tagged on my blog.

thanks.

2006-02-05T00:39:00.000-08:00

This week in my life...

I spent the first few days in mind-numbing boredom.

I went to Lil'India with Mr. Amin on a foodie trip.

I handed in my insolvency project.

Me and almost half our cohort handed in our Probate Project 40 minutes late thanks to the unreliability and scarcity of technology in TP.

I witnessed the future in the making.

I had a fantastic meeting, where fantastic ideas were generated.

I went prom dress shopping with the law Gals & guy.

MX made the purchase of the day.

We went to Tanya's house.

I woke this morning and read the papers...

This week in the world...

The papers...

Jyllands-Posten.

What happened:

COPENHAGEN

A Danish newspaper published caricatures of Prophet Muhammed.

Mr Flemming Rose Jyllands Posten's Culture editor " (I) just asked (them) to draw Prophet Muhammad as they see him."

Apparently "there is a long Danish tradition of biting satire with no taboos, and that Prophet Muhammad and Islam are being treated no differently from other religions".

This outrageous show of "intolerance" was brought to the attention of the Muslim world by a Denmark based Imam, a Mr Ahmed Abu Laban who felt frustrated by a lack of concern shown by his country men. He states that he opposes any show of violence and calls for revenge that may result from this dispute over freedom of speech.

Mr. Flemming Rose and himself had a face-off in BBC's HARDtalk show.

The news paper has stated that had such a reaction been expected to arise out of the Muslim population, they would not have made such a publication.

Several Countries have made their stand

Indonesia and Malaysia:

" The publication of the caricatures is clearly an isenitivity towards the perception and beliefs of a religious group"

" The cartoons are an 'insult to religious symbols and have hurt the feelings of muslims"

More than 200 angry Muslims have stormed the lobby of a building that houses the Danish Embassy in Jakarta, on Friday, they broke lamps and threw eggs before being ejected by the police.

He stated that the republication of the cartoon in other European Countries is a "deliberate act of provocation".

Muslims view the cartoons as blasphemous as Islam prohibits any images of the Prophet.

" The West has always spoken about the importance of maintaining religious harmony. But this episode shows that they don't practise what they preach."

At a rally at a Jakarta mosque yesterday, radical clerics suggested that a fatwa be issued against the artist who drew the caricatures.

A Mr. M. Alklaththath of the Forum Umat Islam (Islamic Front) an umbrella organisation for radical Muslim groups such as the Islamic Defenders Front and Hizbut Thahrir, stated that "Whoever denigrated the Prophet should be sentenced to death."

The Vatican

While condemning the publication, the Vatican stand is that we move on from this and not to tranish the whole of Denmark or Europe with this.

Washington

They have completely blasted the publication, and stated that press responsibilty was not apparent in this case.

" If I were faced with something that i know is going to be offensive to many of our readers, I would think twice about whether the benefit of publication outweighed the offence it might give." - Mr Fred Hiatt, editorial page editor at the Washington Post.

Iran

Iran has stated that they intend to cancel economic contracts with countries which have reproduced the images.

Syria

Syrians have set the Denmark's embassy ablaze, and threw stones at the windows.

London

300 chanting Muslims have set alight the flag of Denmark outside the Danish Embassy

New Zealand

Dominion Post and The Press, two NZ newspapers have reproduced the cartoons despite government criticism.This apparently is an issue of Press freedom, despite the fact that NZ has a reputation as a tolerant country.

" We trade with the Middle East and with Muslim countries, we also have soldiers fighting in Afghanistan, we currently have the hostage situationin Iraq."- Ethnic Affairs Minister Chris Carter.

Published along with the articles was a picture of a young Palestinian holdinga Gun in one hand and a Quoran in the other, screaming in protest against the publication.

All excerpts have been extracted from the Sunday Times Feb 5 2006.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In my my young and limited view, this is what i think.

Lets looks at this in the perspective of the many who have given their views.

The Media

Yes, they have given their view. In very subtle ways.

How? In the papers they have said that 12 cartoons were drawn, yet it is strange how they have directed all attention to the one drawn of Prophet Muhammad with the bomb in his turban, and have briefly commented on the other 11 cartoons as being - 11 other cartoons.

This may have been so done as to draw attention to the fact that the Muslim world has been invaded by militants who have used terrorism in the name of Islam.And now the white people are making fun of it.

The manner in which they tell the stories, whether you know it or not has a profound effect on you, the placement of such a picture in the middle of those articles. While it is a symbol of the outrage the Muslim world feels, it can also be misinterpreted just as easily. I don't know, what do you think when you see a Muslim carrying a rifle in one hand and his Quoran in the other?

Yes the papers do print the facts, but don't tell me that they do not slip in their own views.

What i would like to know is this.

What did the other 11 photos Depict?

The reactions are expected, when provoked, the reaction would typically be as such. However, i would like to call this unhelpful behaviour. Presuming that the European view of islam is equated to terrorism, how does it help to set embassies, flags ablaze and call for the elimination of the creators of such a publication?

If anything, it reaffirms the belief that this is how how Muslims would behave when their religion is questioned. What this situation calls for is not, "OMG! you're mocking my religion die!!!!!", but rather, " why is it that you think of my religion that way?"

The countries that have commented

There are some countries that have powers who have abused the entire situation in order to further their own agendas.

Yes, there are countries, who would like very much to turn themselves from being the target of all criticism for initiating action against terrorism, and wmd, to being the good and understanding party, who does not tolerate such behaviour. And they're falling all over them selves to ensure this, and fall over they just might.

It is indeed a very exploitable situation.

In the statement made by Mr Fred Hiatt, a Washington Post editor, he states that a paper should think twice before publishing such illustrations, considering their reader base. I do believe that Jyllands-Posten did consider this, and true to their reader base, which consists mainly of those who till date appreciated biting jousts and jibes taken at other religions and persons. One of whom i believe was Mr Ahmed, until such drawings surfaced.

Was it really intolerance? Was it intended to be a display of intolerability?

Did they know that drawings of the Prophet was blasphemy according to Islam?

Or was it plain ignorance?

Is not ignorance a form of innocence?

I believe the situation is not as simple as it seems, it requires further and profound questioning. It is not as superficial as intolerance, there is a clear lack of intent for it to be classed as so. There is a lack of knowledge of what Islam is. Here there is no right or Wrong. It is merely a lack of communication of understanding and huge case of ego, as well as a lack of compromise.

The illustration is a mere manifestation of how the the European world views Islam. And if The Prophet with a Bomb in his turban is how they view it, then i say, oh boy do we have a problem.

2006-02-02T09:01:00.000-08:00

Warrior.

war·ri·or ( P ) Pronunciation Key (wôr-r, wr-)n.

One who is engaged in or experienced in battle.

One who is engaged aggressively or energetically in an activity, cause, or conflict:

A warrior must sometimes put down his weapons to win a battle.

___________________________________________________

Forever.

These days, forever means till we get a divorce.

___________________________________________________

Responsibilities, regrets & risks

I left my bag in iLaw, and went to get a drink with Amin, upon my return i got a call telling me the lab closed and i should meet the gang in front of business school.

Upon reaching...

Mx : eh you left you're bag in iLaw again...

(i cut him off in mid-sentence when i returned him his bead bracelets that he left behind)

Mx : (giving his Keanu Reeves smile) I was just about to scold you for being forgetful...
______________________________________________________

I regret the fact that i gave up sports and went into full-time arts.

I wish i'd been more active in poly.

Gone to the gym more.

Phooey.
____________________________________________________

I still have no prom dress.

Mum will be getting the material on Saturday.

Still no accessories, no shoes.

Risky.

__________________________________________________

2006-01-29T22:27:00.000-08:00

crying angels are a sight to behold.

Each tear drop a fluid crystal.

A beautiful tragedy.

You who are heaven sent.

Yes, this is meant for you.

You cry because you can.

And you cry without shame.

You cry with hope of better days.

You cry because you want the bitterness that clings to your heart to wash away.

cry, cry while you can.

tears are a right.

No one in this free country can tax, nor limit or raise campaigns with it.

No politician can make promises on your tears.

Tears are a sign of kindness with in.

Of betrayal that the world and its people are not as good as we thought they were.

Of the ability to balm the pain that disapointment brings.

For what do we have now that is truly ours?

Our houses are mortgaged.

Our education ,subsidised.

Our food and water, bought at a price.

Our lives? a compromise.

What is that's truly ours?

Give me my tears.

Kay.

2006-01-29T21:52:00.000-08:00

MAIN PRODUCTION 2006

Dramatec.

Watch this space.

______________________________________________________________

Holidays at home.

I hate it.

Suddenly, eating, bathing, watching TV and sleeping have become a mindless activity, one after the other, all with no purpose, no motivation.

My life seems to have no purpose at the moment.

3 days feels like an eternity.

I wonder how people do it.

For some one who's always doing Something, this is torture.

Chinese New year = Indian Torture

I haven't spoken in english for such a while.

I'm even beginning to think in Telugu.

The indian channel is on 24/7.

How boring.

I have projects. Tests. I should study.

*goes into hypnotic state*

I hate the holidays.

____________________________________________

2006-01-29T01:01:00.000-08:00

Books.

Every once in a while i get this need to read.

I've always liked reading.

Growing up, my cousin began to wonder if God had given me a book in the place of a nose.

Yes its true. Even encyclopedias, which for years gave me an edge over my cousins, because in the place of soccer knowlegde and pop stars, i knew that salary is a derived from salarium which means salt, which was in turn used to pay labourers, piecesof useless knowledge like this were a shield.

Knowledge gave me edge, because i looked down my nose at cousins who came up with pathetic names for me, when they couldn't combat my smarts. A sarcastic quip for every foul word.Words that only emerged out of jealousy, jealous of attention and praises given to me.

Of course, peer pressure and a need to fit in made me discard my books and take on other things, reading became a chore, unless it was for literature class. I liked analysing people, and cultures.

I could come up with elaborate explanations as to why a person was the way he was. Maybe thats why acting came naturally too.

_______________________________

Amy Tan

the asian writer i'm currently reading the works of.

Joy Luck club

The Kitchen God's wife

The Bone Setter's daughter

The Hundred Secret Senses.

very chinese, very cultural.

I never could understand the Oriental culture.

Maybe because i come from the other side of the mountain.

Lol.

in any case, the chinese and the Japanese and Korean and other Oriental people i find, have a very dilute culture, everything is very delicate.

Delicate fragrances, delicate taste buds, delicate paintings, and strange social behaviour, where one says one thing to some one, with an underlying intention, that you must understand or be ready to be humiliated.

For example,

To tell some one to mind their business-

" in these matters you must not trouble your self for my sake."

To tell some one that their visit with you is over,

"would you like more tea?

To us that is a polite enquiry, asked so as not to seem inhospitable, to the chinese back then, they wouldn't ask if they want you to stay, they merely refill your cup.

When they ask that question, it means, would you like to leave?

Must be a way to save face.

They protect their cultures so fiercely.

It makes you wonder, living in Singapore, where did this Culture go?

For them their culture is in two things, their food, their manners, and their Gods.

China seems far more famous for its tea than its theatre and dance. Maybe paintings. And lion dance.

I think i have to find out more about the chinese culture.

One thing i realise most cultures have in common- tea. Except the American culture of course. They have hamburger and coke.

Hmph.

In that way i think food reflects the characteristics of the people.

America, the land of processed and quick food. Actually most of their food comes from other countries. Reflecting on the groups of people that live there. Vietnamese, Chinese, African, Indian.Jewish. etc

England the land of scones and tea, bland and powdery. Flaky you could say.

Irish - lamb stew and potatoes.rich and simple at the same time. Whole some, direct. A lil brash. but okay on the whole, no pretenses.

India- strong and stubborn flavour, aromatic to the point of giddiness.Spicy. Many variations of the same thing.

2006-01-28T07:19:00.000-08:00

It's been a strange day.

Psalm 28.

I will never forget.

____________________ ----------------------_____________________------------------------

PSALM 28

A Psalm of David.

Unto thee, O the Lord, do I call; my Rock, be not Thou deaf unto me; lest, if Thou be silent unto me, I become like them that go down into the pit.

Hear the voice of my supplications, when I cry unto Thee, when I lift up my hands toward Thy holy Sanctuary.

Draw me not away with the wicked, and with the workers of iniquity; who speak peace with their neighbours, but evil is in their hearts.

Give them according to their deeds, and according to the evil of their endeavours; give them after the work of their hands; render to them their desert.

Because they give no heed to the works of the Lord, nor to the operation of His hands; He will break them down and not build them up.

Blessed be the Lord, because He hath heard the voice of my supplications.

the Lord is my strength and my shield, in Him hath my heart trusted, and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth, and with my song will I praise Him.

the Lord is a strength unto them; and He is a stronghold of salvation to His anointed.

Save Thy people, and bless Thine inheritance; and tend them, and carry them for ever.

______________________________

Be with me.

I am fearless now.

Unbound and unshackled.

one step.

at a time.

i need courage.

2006-01-27T09:09:00.000-08:00

there are people on this earth who do not like stars.

There are some who don't like it because maybe, stars remind them of love never gained or won over, the brightness a painful reminder, thats blinding to the eyes of the heart.

There are some, who loathe it, because it is a sign or portents of bad things to come,or, that have come and gone, and in its wake have left tragedy.

Sometimes, it is a reminder. Of a dream.

Of a hope that could have been realised but never happened.

For me it would be exactly that.

I was described for awhile as a star.

the one most likely to become sucessful, most likely to be famous.

A bright, burning star.

They forgot that bright stars burn out the fastest.

_____________________________________________________________________-

God

Society

Family

Friends

Love/spouse

Self

thats how i class things in my life.

My priorities.

Today, i spoke with a friend, about religion.

His view, was general, it was impartial, very Hindoo. how ironic.

The hindoos are so impartial towards religion, that that school of thought became a religion.

My view, was diplomatic. very P.C.. Very Christian, and often contradictory.

Initially i was not eager to discuss on the topic.

not because i had no opinion, but because, quite unfortunately, i had too many opinions on the topic.

Firstly, i had buried those questions, because i could not find an answer.
Secondly, i was not looking for a discussion with someone who may not fully grasp the depth of the topic he has chosen, religion is some thing i take very seriously.

But, well, he did live up to expectations. His knowledge was slightly more than flotsam jetsam.

In any case, his questions again resurfaced a quest for answers i thought i had buried quite well with a veil of busy-ness and compromise.

Much of my growing up life, i had wondered about God, an image in my mind that was little less and little more than a blank.

The more i searched for him the more elusive he seemed. And i searched from a very very very early age, ironically it is my parents who stemmed this curiousity in me. Staunch hindoos.

Would i find him in the pages that make the Gita?

Is he waiting on the steps of the temple?

Could he be within the collections of my G'dads religious library?

Was he contained within my father's philosophy?

Described as he was, as various manifestations, come down each time to impart a different knowledge, a different incarnate.

millions of stories.

None of which seemed complete. That seemed right.

It all seemingly put forth his purpose. But who is God, and what does he want from me, why did he put me here?
And specifically here?

So i delved, into every perspective i could find, every doomsday theory, every opinion, every meandering.

All schools of thought held interest.

Eventually, i entered forbidden territory. Christianity.

And there i found him.

In the pages of the Bible, in the pews of the church. Sometimes, but not very often in the people, who called themselves, His people.

In my thoughts, and eventually, in me.

The blank had turned into brightness.

But sometimes the brilliance of the brightness has had me turn away in fright, unable to accept all the promises.

Because God is a mystery, and to know him one must be ready to be consumed. one must be willing to give up everything.

It cannot stop at a point. there is no stopping point.

If you accept, you accept everything. that would be what he told me. Sorry, no conditional acceptance.

And so, i didn't. I rejected his offer. I rejected Him.

I hit the pause button on my journey, Because of my fear. Because of my need to be like everyone else

To live the material life. To sin.

Also, it was my doubt, Have you heard the parable about the seed? the ones where the seeds scattered in the various places, i compared myself to the various types of plants they became, and realised i was like that which was choked by weeds, and also the ones that grew on the rock, fast, but had shallow roots.
I wondered if i grew too fast to be properly rooted, as those around me seemed to think.

But i knew.

I knew more than most did, more than even my cell leaders did, maybe not so much the technical aspects, but i was convinced my faith was stronger and i had questions. I even found sermons boring, they were identical, and they were intellectually non stimulating. I had read the entire bible and could quote faster than lightning.

I found then that maybe i had too much pride.

that maybe, i was no longer concentrating on the faith aspect of my religion, but now more on the technical aspects of GOD. that he was now more a subject i wanted to study then a supreme being i wanted to worship.

The jumping, the singing, the drums and the music, i could not fathom, how God finds that to be worship.

Where gone was the reverence, the meditation, the sanctity, of worship?

sin.

The strangest thing is, my awareness.

My dual ability, to sin, and then knowing my sin, reprimand myself at the same go.

if i knew then why did i do it? weakness, that would be why.

weakness that eventually results in self loathing.

Self loathing that eventually turns into bitterness.

Bitterness towards God, for giving me such a fate, for making me understand more, and the ability to do less.

A fate that awaits those who knowingly resist against what they've been chosen for.

And what exactly have i been chosen for?

LOL.

For alot of things. And that would be btw myself and Him.

_____________________________________________________

I know now, as i always have, with great clarity too, that i shall never be married.

i am not one who has easy relationships.

it is not easy to have a relationship with kay.

Ask my parents.

I will disppoint you.

I am not made for relationships.

people speak of maintaining relationships. and i do exactly that.

i maintain, everything will always reach an equillibrium, and then nothing will be done to enhance it once has reached its maximum potential.

I will not make a good wife.

when you marry you marry not only the man, but the family, and its problems.
Most people do not realise this.

Hence the divorce rates.

I am not able to tolerate domestic issues.
I never have been.

i will never get married, because there are those who exist to procreate and pass through the routine that is life.

And then there are those who live to create a change.

I have never been able to think small. My family, will not be limited to four or even 5 people. It will be the world.

Those who were born into greatness, are those who become great, those who become great were obviously born into greatness.

it is always predestined.

Every thought that appears in your mind, appears exactly so, because every event in your life till that moment lead up to it.

What happened to you yesterday, makes you who you are tmw.

So many things, i have kept myself away from, because i keep telling myself to be content. That i am small.

But i am not.